There are many signs that the apocalypse is coming. These include voluminous dark clouds gathering in the sky, the ground beneath your feet collapsing from beneath you, and finally S Club 7 announcing they are to get back together.
Well, grab all your tinned produce and make a bee-line for the basement, because there are flickers that the 7 are planning to reunite. Here are five reasons why it certainly should not happen.
1) The ‘Steps’ Effect
Clearly this is Steps’ fault. If that quintet hadn’t worked out a winning formula that has seen them leap from ‘annoying gnats in pop’s back garden’ to ‘beloved 90s band whose every dance move propels large chunk of population into a Proustian moment’ we wouldn’t be here. According to a “source”- “S Club have seen what’s happened to Steps and want a piece of it.” Which seems beyond cynical.
2) The ‘Hits To Shit’ Factor
A quick look at the tracklist for the band’s greatest hits and there’s precious few great pop moments on it. And by ‘few’ we mean “most of it apart from ‘Don’t Stop Moving’.”
‘Bringing It All Back’? Essentially an elongated jingle. ‘Reach’? Like a rejected song from “singing trains” musical Starlight Express. ‘Have You Ever’? We liked it better when The Spice Girls did it as ‘2 Become 1’.
3) The S Club 7 “Brand”
Not only did it spawn the rather awful TV show Miami 7, there was also S Club Juniors – dodgy in a Mini Pops kind of way and annoying in a Rebecca Black sense. Who knows what new monstrosities could be created if the 7 brand was resurrected?
S Club Seniors – septuagenarian members of The Beverly Sisters, The Shadows and Lulu all coming together for disco versions of Vera Lynn classics? 7 Riots in which Jo O’Meara travels the country attempting to upset various minority communities and every time she entices an actual riot she gets to sing at the local town centre?
4) Rachel Stevens
Unlikely as it seemed, Rachel Stevens’ solo career was actually rather brilliant. It started with ‘Sweet Dreams My LA Ex’ but peaked with her Richard X collaborations like ‘Some Girls’ and the rather ace ‘Nothing In Common’. We’d rather see a new album from Stevens than S Club getting back together.
5) The Sense Of The End
I mean, really, where will this reunion stuff end? Will B*Witched come back? Another Level? Atomic Kitten? Please S Club, if you have any feelings towards pop please just stand up and walk away from the reunion table. Right now.