Samsung NME Radar Tour – Magistrates Fantasise About Pandas’ Willies

Back in the van. Mark’s playing the acoustic guitar, sounds like a session musician for Craig David. Andy’s eating some Marks and Sparks Biscuit Curls. They are tasty. Addictive and comforting. Two big boxes for £1.99. Go get some. Paul’s talking about slaughtering meat and road kill. There was a nice northern drizzle of rain as we stepped out of the hotel this morning. Refreshing.

Just put Maxwell on the van stereo. Paul insists we all listen to his sultry sounds at least once a day to build the sexual tension ready for stage. I’m feeling the bulge already. Leeds last night was great. Paul was having it big time; he left the stage and went for a little stroll through the crowd during our song If I… I think he was getting fed up of the stench from Andy’s pad thai burps.

Notorious P.I.G had a night off. He was greatly missed by all, but fair dos; he needed some rest after his latest course of flu medication kicked in. Usher has just come on the stereo. Does anyone else agree that he looks like some weird mutant frog? I think so.

Magistrates onstage

Mark has just said that he wants to be a fisherman once he’s fulfilled all his dreams as a musician. Just asking the guys what they’d be if they weren’t musicians. Andy says he’d be a milkman. He loves dairy. I can see him now. In his little milkcart, white cap on, whistling as he drops off the morning moloko.

If someone wants to photoshop that, that’d be amazing. Paul says he would want to work in the field of space. Studying stars, looking for new planets. Either that or working for Big Yellow Storage. I’d be a truck driver. Would love the power of a big wheel, open road and a mahoosive horn.

Just passed a man driving a personal hearse. He looked surprisingly happy. Had a kind of smug look upon his face. I bet his name was Clive.

On our way to Preston. Never been there before. Looking forward to it, haven’t had a bad night yet. I genuinely don’t know where I am or where I am going until I wake up in the morning and ask Andy what’s happening. I like it that way. Everyday is a surprise. Sly And The Family Stone has just come on. There’s a riot going on in the van.

Talking about good band names. Best so far:

Polar Bear Blackout Fever
Your Scissors, My Seatbelt
Gaping Wounds
It’s Not My Fault The Door Shut
Mediocre Face Job

Just found out that a panda’s penis is 1.2 inches long. No wonder they have trouble breeding. We’re doing a cook-off contest tonight with the NME Crew. Cooking homemade burgers on a BBQ. Gonna film the whole thing. I had genius idea for a new website. It’s gonna be huge.

Anyways, back to the daunting task of sitting in the same spot and moving forward in the van…

In a while crocodile.