High school sweethearts. First crushes. Illicit loves. Girls called Wendy. Guys called Dennis. All of them – in the history of rock, pop, hip-hop and indie – worthy subjects of lyrical love, lust and devotion. But there’s someone else who also gets their fair share of action when it comes to musical tributes, someone who looks a little bit like a Werther’s Original sucking, cardigan wearing, rocking chair loving granddad. Yep, Santa Claus, for some reason, is a hot piece of seasonal ass. His eggnog brings all the boys and girls to the yard. Well, Eartha Kitt certainly seemed to think so in 1953, when she started getting all hot under the collar with the festive but very, very pervy ‘Santa Baby’.
Maybe it’s the beard, maybe its something to do with his heaving sack, or maybe he’s just a really nice guy – always texts back, always offers to pay for dinner, says the right thing to your mum. Though when you hear Ella Fitzgerald’s innuendo laden ‘Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney’ (“Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney/When he came last year”), it sounds like Santa’s a bit of a naughty boy. And when we say boy, we mean a white haired 167-year-old Scandinavian man, of course.
Whatever it is, Santa’s definitely got swag. There’s a whole load more songs that pay tribute to Santa’s super sexy ways, including Clarence Carter’s bluesy 1968 ‘Back Door Santa’, which, no, isn’t about that, but it is about Santa having endless affairs with the mothers of all the children he’s gifting pressies to.
Albert King’s ‘Santa Claus Needs Some Lovin’’ is similarly saucy.
Girls Aloud though, have had enough with Santa’s frisky ways. ‘Not Tonight Santa’ is, admittedly, not one of the girl group’s finest moments, but it does deserve a Carry On award for the line: “I’ll let you peep inside my stocking if you show me yours”.
Of course there’s the Ronnettes’ ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’, but that’s about your dad dressed up as Santa, not the real deal.
Nope, the real Santa has to put up with the likes of Mariah Carey throwing themselves at him. It’s a tough life.