With Boris Johnson having sold Britain Brexit and legged it – wrecking the place then scarpering in true Bullingdon tradition – it’s no wonder so many people are itching to escape into a surreal alternate universe where bizarre, incomprehensible creatures lead them on a merry dance towards a likely mugging. Yes, across the world gamers are getting addicted to Pokemon Go, the game which overlays Pokemon characters onto real-life environments via your iPhone camera as you wander around, demanding you’ve “gotta catch ‘em all!” So far the game has uncovered one real-life dead body and caused a police station in Australia that had been tagged as a PokeStop insisting players don’t trespass inside to catch their sandshrew. But what other classic games would benefit from the augmented reality treatment?
Super Mario Brothers Go
How it works: Place your partner in a garden at the opposite end of your street, where Super Mario Bros Go will turn him or her into a princess desperate for rescue. Your mission is to traverse the gardens in between to get to them, leaping over fences (in-game sewer tubes) and pets (spiked turtles), bashing your head on walls and doors to try to dislodge any coins (actual coins, you’re stealing them) and eating any flowers or plants (mushrooms) you find along the way, just to see what effect they might have on you. If you chance upon one of the ‘magic mushrooms’ you can legitimately go crazy, imagining you’re ten feet tall and kicking any of those pesky pets clean out of the way. If the police stop you just tell them you’re Super Brian, or whatever your name is. They’ll understand.
Tomb Raider Go
How it works: Lift up a manhole cover and enter the dark, mysterious world of Tomb Raider Go. Wade through exotic subterranean rivers! Clamber across chasms on the clinging native plant life! Shoot at rat-sized ‘bears’! Dodge the fast-flowing brown arrows of the in-game TurdTraps! Pull hidden levers to open submerged gates leading to your ultimate goal, the mythical Temple Of Se’Wage…
Space Invaders Go
How it works: When it’s raining, step outside and your phone will transform every raindrop into a beam bullet from an overhead cloud spaceship. All you have to do is dodge every single drop. Better still, as climate change kicks in, the spaceship will glow brighter and descend towards you!
Donkey Kong Go
How it works: Break into a building site in broad daylight and be prepared to act fast. Your phone will transform the top-most gaffer into a gigantic ape and the wrenches, bricks and toolboxes he throws at you into barrels you need to jump over. All you have to do is climb up the system of ladders and girders to reach him and punch him off the top.
How it works: The player stands in the middle of a busy road junction while their phone transposes huge space rocks over the images of the cars hurtling towards them. The player flicks on-screen ‘laser bolts’ at the cars to try to make them stop before they hit and crush your ‘ship’ and it’s game over for you!
How it works: Find a large, open ‘court’ area – there may be one in your local park – and tap up Pong Go, a new, exciting phone-based form of Pong where players use hand-held controllers, or ‘rackets’, to propel a dot, or ‘ball’, across a central ‘net’ back and forth until the ‘ball’ goes ‘out’. To be honest, the developers are still trying to work out how to fit the phone bit into this one.
Street Fighter Go
How it works: Launch this fun app outside any pub near a football ground on match day and it automatically cheers for the opposing team. Round One! Fight! Your phone turns the pug-nosed shithouse attacking you into a stretchy yogi, and the bottle they’re glassing you with into a hadouken lightning strike. Look out, also, for Street Fighter Go: Russian Hooligan Edition.
Grand Theft Auto Go
How it works: If you’ve had enough of stealing cars, killing prostitutes and robbing jewellery stores on your usual Saturday night out, try Grand Theft Auto Go, the app game which highlights every Pokemon Go player in your immediate vicinity and challenges you to nick their phone while they’re concentrating on catching a cuddly dragon or some such shit and escape before they catch up with you.
How it works: The player puts down their phone for 10 minutes and goes and gets a job. Via the magic of your phone screen your newspapers become ‘newspapers’ that you post through the animated ‘letterboxes’ of houses, as Paperboy Go helps you earn real-life money that you can spend on actual things. Coming soon: Rebel Labour MP Go, which allows you to view, via your phone, a world where all traces of democracy have been digitally removed.
How it works: Like this, hopefully…