Pity the bleeper at the Brits Awards on Wednesday. That poor old soul had their work cut out and they failed at that work, readers. They failed. Oh, but they tried. Almost the entirety of Adele’s teary acceptance speech for Global Success, which doesn’t even sound like a real award, was obscured for us poor viewers at home – except for the bit where she bawled that she hoped the audience wasn’t “FAAAAAACKING BORED OF ME!” Just imagine the life of that poor bleeper, poised over the bleep button like Ol’ Gil from The Simpsons, trying desperately to time it right, muttering, ‘C’mon Gil, one more bleep, Ol’ Gil needs this…”
Ant and/or Dec apologised just minutes later: “Apparently the bleep guy didn’t get in early enough for one of the bleeps.” Imagine being so shit at your job that Ant and/or Dec – an entity that consists of two people literally no-one can tell apart – has to apologise on your behalf. Gutted, mate. In fact, the bleeper in question took a zero tolerance approach from that point, just to be sure, bleeping Mark Ronson doing an F-bomb AFTER 10PM. It’s like, dude, have you never heard of the watershed? You can’t claw this back now.
All in all, 66 outraged people complained to Ofcom about the Brits, mainly down to the swearing and the bits where fashion designer Pam Hogg’s mate turned up looking like an entertainer from a Mad Max porn parody and Rihanna and Drake got it ON. “I’m really sorry about swearing earlier and the ugly cry-face,” Adele said later, collecting her British Album of the Year award.
Yet imagine how ugly the cry-face of that poor bleeper was – and probably still is – and they envisioned their new life, unable to get hired after the Brits debacle, reduced to a life of of following broadcaster John Inverdale around just in case he accidentally says ‘rose-cunted glasses” again.