The Worst Dance Anthems Of All Time

This week the NME office has mostly looked like this:

That’s because, inspired by the Prodigy/history of rave feature in the current issue of the mag, we’ve been debating the 25 greatest dance tracks.

But then we got bored of that and flipped the topic on its head. What about the dance tracks that nobody in their right mind would ever want to revisit? Here’s what we came up with. Which abominations would you add?

5. DJ Sammy – Heaven
All the fist-clench earnestness of a Bryan Adams ballad, combined with the vacuum-packed sterility of euro-trance: surely a union forged in Hades. Summons mental images of Dave Pearce chugging a warm WKD Blue in a half-empty branch of Frankie & Benny’s.

4. Scooter – Move Your Ass
Scooter have sold 14 million albums and are the most German band in history. Vocalist HP Baxxter whips the crowd into a terrifying pitch of hysteria, meaning the average Scooter gigs resembles a totalitarian rally in a dystopian future run by gay personal trainers. Although, if we’re honest, it’s a depressingly short distance from here to Pendulum.

3. Ian Van Dahl – Castles In The Sky
If there’s one thing worse than a vapid dance choon, it’s a vapid dance choon that thinks it’s deep. “Do you ever question your life? Do you ever wonder why?” pleads the first verse, not realising that questing existential profundity tends not to be high on the agenda when you’re getting your bosh on in a drafty nightclub in Luton.

2. Cascada – Truly Madly Deeply
A leading light of the Clubland phenomenon, Cascada specialises in ultra-cheesy trance covers, of which this turbo-charged scamper through the Savage Garden ballad is not even the most shameful – she’s also done ‘Sk8er Boi’. Last year Jo Whiley started the bizarre rumour that Cascada was planning to duet with Chris Martin. It wasn’t true, but still – the prospect of ‘Fix You’ being turned into a banging club anthem is an amusing one.

1. Scatman John – Scatman’s World
Sure, I could have gone for the big hit, ‘Scatman’, but how much more achingly poignant to select the follow-up single, which nobody bought? Although looking back, the song’s powerful vision of an egalitarian eco-utopia – set to a melody nicked from ‘Go West’ – feels breathtakingly ahead of its time. Who knows what further brilliance the Scatman might have achieved had he lived…