The NME verdict on the singles released in the UK today, featuring Jennifer Lopez, Katy B and Glasvegas.
Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull – ‘On The Floor’
The more aged among you may be able to recall dimly someone called ‘J.Lo’, who had a publicity-based relationship with Diddy, and crooned a lot about being ‘real’ and ‘from the block’ in-between long meetings with her lawyers to launch branded perfumes and handbags. It sounds weird now, but trust us, she used to matter. Anyway, this is her on the dog-end of her umpteenth relaunch, with someone called Pitbull offering a few bars of what has become known in these post-RB times as ‘Fat Usher Phone-In Rap’. RedOne faxed in these-here ‘now’ beats from 2008, and J.Lo hasn’t even noticed because she’s too busy being sexy ‘on the floor’, contorting and writhing her weary bones on that-there floor like a Mayan death mask becoming gradually soaked in WKD Blue.
Pigeon Detectives – ‘Done In Secret’
Take a man from outer space, and ask him to deduce the meaning of the term ‘Pigeon Detectives’ by watching the faces of a bunch of indie kids when you say the words, and he’d probably figure it meant ‘The Night Stalker’s rape-truncheon’. How surprised he’d be to learn that it meant ‘five blokes from Yorkshire making guitar pop music in the style of The Cribs, except not as good’. Being second-tier isn’t a crime, folks. I mean, Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky Mick & Tich didn’t get it in the neck all the time for not being The Rolling Stones, did they? The same people who spraff about the Vaccines being posh-rock are the ones who’ll sneer when you offer them something a bit more authentique, like this really rather good comeback single from a proper working class band.
Panda Bear – ‘Last Night At The Jetty’
It’s the question Blush and J17 just can’t stop asking: “Who’s YOUR favourite member of AnCo?”. Is it Avey Tare, with his liberal opinions and vague introversion? Is it Panda Bear, with his positive peace-love vibe and his rather more extreme introversion? Or is it Geologist, with his… uh… light on his head… and… um…?
Me, I’m all about the Bear. The dough-faced melodicist your mum would love – it’s kinda like choosing McCartney over Lennon. Especially as, unlike Avey, Panda hasn’t actually released a solo album of literally-backwards music with his wife. From the looks of this, it seems that what went down ‘last night at the jetty’ was a discussion of the inherent unfairness of globalisation, and maybe the latest El Guincho record with hot knives. Business as usual. Business I like.
Katy B – ‘Broken Record’
For a tiny label run by former radio pirates, Rinse seem to have a better grip on the whole marketability thing than most of their major-league rivals. Sugababes white soul. Whiff of Magnetic Man dubstep-lite. Trancey breakdown. Video in which Katy B lies on a bed looking all moody, like her flatpack relationship has ended, but in a really uncomplicated way that isn’t going to leave her sobbing as she’s fucked by a virtual stranger. Why, this is like a one-song tour through the Best Of British Urban Pop. ‘Yes’, it says, ‘I will meet you at Bromley’s The Glades shopping centre, and we will browse through The Carphone Warehouse and H&M, and it will be awesome.’
Glasvegas – ‘Euphoria, Take My Hand’
Euphoria, take my dealer’s number, more like. Euphoria at the nasal-end of a twenty quid note is a fine thing for those on the inside. But now that the drummer’s gone and he’s wearing white, can it be long before we see the first telephone box onstage, the first Rolls Royce integrated into the lighting rig? For now, I’m happy to let James Allan continue to write soundtrack music to football clips montages, but amid this symphony of triumphalism surely he must notice that the gap between White Lies and Glasvegas is narrowing?