Christmas Day, and you’re so excited about opening your Star Wars toys. By now you’ll have seen the upcoming Rogue One: A Star Wars Story about 23 times and you’ll be champing at the bit to get your mitts on your new figurines of the many characters introduced into the universe by the new movie.
Imagine your disappointment as you realise they’re toys from Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace , the most widely reviled instalment of the film series. Oh well, you never minded Fly-Gone-Gin so much.
Wait – who?
This is the news that Wholesale Clearance UK Ltd in Poole has accidentally acquired incredibly badly-made Star Wars toys with shoddy features and the wrong names. A representative of the company, Karl Baxter, has said: ‘We acquired this stock in a bulk lot, and as a big Star Wars fan myself I had high hopes for these figures, especially considering how popular they are with children and collectors alike.”
He continued: “The first disappointment came when we realised they were exclusively Episode One characters, as this is arguably the weakest of the six films. The second disappointment came when we realised that these were very unconvincing fakes.’We obviously can’t sell these, but as they’re rather amusing we thought we’d still showcase them. It’s just a shame we’ve got so many boxes of them piled up at the back of the warehouse.’
Yes, the terrifying Emperor Palpatine has become less imposing The Emperor Daft Serious, while poor old Darth Maul is plain old Dennis. A figurine that sort of looks like C3PO is in fact R2-3PO, suggesting it’s some kind of mash-up of the camp robot and his mate R2D2.
Liam Neeson’s character Qui-Gon Jinn is now Fly-Gone-Gin, while Obi-Wan has become the almost correct Toby-One. So close! Perhaps best of all is the alien who’s simply called WHAT, which, incidentally, is also what you’ll say what you look at the toys.