The Tory festival sounds like the worst thing ever

Keep your hands of our festivals

If you thought the shambolic mud bath that was last month’s Y Not Festival was bad, then just wait until you hear about the latest addition to the UK’s festival calendar. Sinisterly preceded by a harrowing picture of David Cameron quaffing the blood of the poor and smoking their ground-up bones (OK, OK, maybe it was just wine and a Marlboro Light, but who really knows?) at Wilderness Festival over the weekend, news reaches us that the Conservative Party are setting up their very own bash.

Mid-Norfolk MP George Freeman is the man behind the plan, taking to Twitter to exclaim: “Why shld the left have all the fun at festivals?” Evidently he saw just how many LOLZ were to be had at Glastonbury and decided that he wanted to have cider-sozzled lads singing his name at the tops of their voices while they waited for their Goan fish curry and henna tattoos of Jeremy Corbyn’s face. Can’t blame him, really.

“Why shld the left have all the fun at festivals? We need a cultural revival of grassroots Conservatism: DM me to join #ConservativeIdeasFest,” tweeted Freeman.

Since putting his shout-out online, Freeman has raised over £25,000 to help put on the event, which he describes as a “cross between Hay-on-Wye and the Latitude festival”. Except, we assume, much less fun than either. The only bright side to such an event would be the slim chance that Kate Bush – who was recently outed as right-wing – might show up and play a secret 2am set on the Margaret Thatcher stage, but aside from that it sounds like hell on Earth. Or at the very least, hell in the home counties.

Pitched as an ‘ideas fest’, we can only imagine what kind of darkness awaits punters as they slide their Hunter wellies over their red trousers and start off the day with some privately funded yoga, before a lunch of port and lobster and a panel discussion about the best ways to well and truly bury the welfare state. The evenings would be dedicated to downing giant fishbowl cocktails imported directly from Mahiki, while all your favourite Tory musicians – from Gary Barlow to er, Gary Barlow – play various permutations of ‘God Save The Queen’. Luckily, the inaugural event, set for later this year, is going to be limited to just a couple of hundred people, so there’s little chance that you’ll accidentally end up there after taking a wrong turn on the way to Bestival.

Even so, be wary about what tickets you end up booking for 2018. The Conservative Party already seem hellbent on having their wicked way with our health service and the education system – please don’t let them have our festivals as well.