The twenty best South Park songs

'Kyle's Mom's A Bitch'? 'Chocolate Salty Balls'? 'Fishsticks'? What's the best South Park song ever?

Another South Park season, another musical mockery. In the latest trailer for season 21, Cartman takes on Montell Jordan’s ‘This Is How We Do It’ over some of the fouler clips from recent seasons – Randy Marsh getting his much-needed dose of the internet, Jesus exploding, the human centipede – as a prescient reminder that South Park has given us some of the funniest, sweariest, saltiest and most gerbil celebrating songs in the history of TV comedy. Here’s our choice of the twenty best.

 

  1. Merry Fucking Christmas

 

A playground-style ditty in which Mr Garrison spreads to joys of Christmas to far-flung lands in hi own inimitable fashion: “In case you hadn’t noticed it’s Jesus’ birthday/So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fucking celebrate”.

 

 

  1. Let’s Fighting Love

 

To listeners non-fluent in Japanese, ‘Let’s Fighting Love’ was indecipherable bar the title and the sensible advice for any street fighter, “protect my balls”. When translated though, whole new levels of nuance are revealed: “I have a magnificent penis/And hair on my balls/Is that sound a monkey?/No, it is the ninjas!”

 

 

  1. The Circle Of Poo

 

Mr Hankey’s adaptation of Elton John’s ‘Circle Of Life’ from The Lion King was moving enough to almost make you proud to use a Glastonbury long-drop. Almost.

 

 

  1. Fingerbang

 

The biggest hit from the most honest boyband of Cartman’s wildest dreams.

 

 

  1. Simultaneous

 

Chef was cooking up some mass loving in this season two funk classic, including your mum, your aunt, your sister and Winona Ryder in one big Chef swiss roll.

 

 

  1. Underpants Gnomes Work Song

 

A throwaway little tune, but this pant-hunting twist on the seven dwarves’ ‘Heigh-Ho’ is perhaps the most charming song about stealing people’s undercrackers ever written.

 

 

  1. Sexual Harassment Panda

 

Of course a man in a panda suit explaining sexual harassment to schoolkids would have a mumbled Twenties-style theme song reminding us “don’t touch there”.

 

 

  1. Push (Feeling Good On A Wednesday)/I Am Lorde Ya Ya Ya

 

 

Actually sung by Sia, the studio transformation of Randy Marsh’s rough demo of ‘I Am Lorde Ya Ya Ya’ into the thinly-veiled shitting metaphors of ‘Push (Feeling Good On A Wednesday)’ is perhaps the most realistic portrayal of the Little Mix recording process yet aired.

 

 

  1. I’ve Got Something In My Front Pocket

 

The sweet, tootling ‘20s paedo classic to which Butters performs his fatal tap-dance in season eight’s You Got F’d In The A episode.

 

 

  1. My Girl Aint No Hobbit

 

In which Kanye West realises, in defending her grog-swilling, dragon-slaying ways, that his girl is definitely a hobbit.

 

 

  1. Montage

 

So good they used it twice. The postmodern comment on overused cinematic devices ‘Montage’ appeared in both South Park and Team America: World Police.

 

 

  1. Uncle Fucka

 

So expletive-ridden it started a war with Canada, this profane showtune was Terence & Philip at their backside bakery best, complete with fart solo and the immortal line “you’re the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucker”.

 

 

  1. Fishsticks

 

Sometimes you just have to accept the homosexual guppy within yourself, and Kanye was gayfish enough to own up to the truth about his deep and passionate love of fishsticks.

 

 

  1. Joseph Smith Was Called A Prophet

 

A dry run for The Book Of Mormon, ‘Joseph Smith Was Called A Prophet’ laid out the dum-de-dum-dum-dumness of the origins of the Mormon religion and the ovrall gullibility of everyone in the 1830s.

 

 

  1. Mr Hankey The Christmas Poo

 

A charming jingle introducing everyone’s favourite festive turd and the fun family games he likes to play – “stick me in your mouth and try to say ‘howdy ho ho, yum yum yum, Christmas time has come!’”

 

 

  1. What Would Brian Boitano Do?

 

We had no idea why it was funny – who the hell was Brian Boitano anyway? – but in terms of musical construction, this barnstorming epic certainly kicks an ass or two.

 

 

  1. The Ballad Of Lemmiwinks

 

Ah Lemmiwinks, the brave gerbil king on a quest to escape Mr Slave’s bowels, releasing the spirits of the Frog King, Sparrow Prince and Catatafish along the way. S&M animal cruelty has rarely been so inspirational.

 

 

  1. Chocolate Salty Balls

 

Very nearly the 1998 Christmas Number One, Chef’s extended testicle pun was also South Park’s biggest hit, rolling into the Number One spot the following week.

 

 

  1. Kyle’s Mom’s A Bitch

 

Weeeeeeell… on the release of South Park: Bigger, Longer And Uncut in 1999, school playgrounds nationwide rocked to those proud and noble souls who’d managed to learn this entire hoedown tongue-twister by heart. The ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ of mum-slagging.

 

 

  1. Blame Canada

 

With its ridiculous faux-racism (“with their beady little eyes/Their flapping heads so full of lies”) and general air of ludicrousness (“seems like everything’s gone wrong since Canada came along”), the South Park movie’s central marching anthem has gained new significance in the age of Trump’s wall. “We must blame them and cause a fuss before somebody thinks of blaming us,” has never felt so relevant.