Optimistic developers Glu Mobile – the people who brought you Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, no less – are describing it as a “one-of-a-kind digital gaming experience”, but we can pretty much already guess what the forthcoming Taylor Swift mobile game, due later this year, will involve. You’ll play Swifty, constantly flicking through a virtual address book trying to hunt down major celebrities to perform with you at that night’s gig, while fending off interruptions from your shouty Scottish boyfriend and Haim trying to drag you down the pub. Even as you approach the end of the tour, and thus the game, Kanye West repeatedly appears and doesn’t let you finish.
The real question is, will the Swift game rank alongside the following classic pop star video game tie-ins? (Answer: almost certainly).
1. Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker (1989)
You are Michael Jackson – yes you are – trapped in a maze full of crazed fans you have to fight off to save kidnapped kids from imaginatively named villain Mr Big. Based on the 1988 film of the same name and mirroring videos for ‘Smooth Criminal’ and ‘Speed Demon’, it’s just a shame the game wasn’t developed ten years later, when they could have created a final boss called The Jarvisaurus, which you defeat by high-kicking its exposed buttocks whenever it flaps up the back of its armoured blazer.
2. Wu-Tang: Shaolin Style (1999)
A hip-hop Mortal Kombat, Wu-Tang: Shaolin Style played on the Wu’s karate ninja schtick by turning the likes of Ghostface Killah and ODB into masters of oriental arts going at each other with swords, hammers and nun-chucks in scenes that reflected their later studio sessions. Reports that Martin Shkreli bought every copy of the game and tipped them all into landfill, cackling, were unconfirmed at time of publication.
3. Snoop Dogg’s Way Of The Dogg (2013)
With the cartoon look of Grand Theft Auto and the plot of a gangland Karate Kid (with Snoop as Mr Miyagi), Way Of The Dogg had the player beat-matching to Snoop tunes during martial arts fight scenes as you fight your way past gangstas and cops to exact revenge for the killing of your girlfriend. The true Way Of The Dogg, however, was straight down the crapper – the game got more kickings from reviewers than a wounded Johnny Cage.
4. Frankie Goes To Hollywood (1985)
Hunting suburban Liverpool in search of the Pleasuredome, the player in this mid-80s console game based around the music and imagery of the S&M pop legends had to help solve a murder and complete mini games (including a bit where the heads of Reagan and Gorbachev play pong) to gather Pleasure Points – shaped like dildos – along the way. Gave the term ‘jet set willy’ a whole new meaning.
5. Devo Presents: Adventures Of The Smart Patrol (1996)
Oh no! A metal turkey with a video monkey’s face – an evil beast known only as the Turkey Monkey – is spreading turkey monkey flu around the world of Spudland, and only Devo can stop it! In brightly-coloured cars!A CD-ROM game, allowing for video-quality graphics in exchange for crippled gameplay, Amazon’s only review of DPAOTSP describes it as having “really no order or logic to it”. A perfect representation of the band in question then.