Nick Cave is to star in a new movie ‘20,000 Days On Earth’, a semi-fictional portrayal of the Goth father creeping through a full day of duties in a similar vein to Denis Lavant in last year’s Holy Motors. The singing Antipodean nosferatu will be seen working at his desk, undergoing therapy and watching Scarface with his sons. Directed by in-demand contemporary artists Iain & Jane – who’ve previously worked with legends like Scott Walker and staged famous reenactments of gigs by Bowie and the Cramps – the movie will feature cameos from Kylie Minogue, Ray Winstone and Warren Ellis (as well as Cave’s pithy narration throughout no doubt).
Math savants amongst you will already have worked out that 20,000 days on earth would make you 54 years old. It’s nearer for some of us than others. Here we look at six other musicians and imagine what their 20,000th day on earth might be like. You know, just for fun!
“This afternoon while enjoying lunch on the lawn I nearly choked on a mouthful of Eton mess when I spotted trespassers on the grounds. Bravely gambolling over with the custodian of the estate – my wingman with a shotgun – we nearly filled the blue-collar blighters full of lead thinking they were poachers. Turns out they were autograph hunters! Crikey, that took me back. After all the excitement I repaired to the projector room and relived Glasto ‘13, playing Mumfords’ crowning glory on a little thing called a DVD player, a handy device for exhibiting spectacles made popular around the end of the 20th century. So there our younger selves were on screen, right in the thick of it, having a proper knees up with the hoi polloi. Christ knows why they used to accuse us of being posh back then. Thankfully King Harry showed up and took some of the heat off.”
“This morning I went to the park to play football with Little James. He doesn’t live for his toys anymore ‘cos ‘es a right big coont. Fook me, I’m way too fookin’ ancient to be bombin’ around in a fookin’ t-shirt but at least I’m not as old as our kid. I’m younger than ‘im and he’ll never be as young as me. I’ll still ‘ave me Weller cut as long as Weller’s fookin’ got his though… Weller must be 100 by now but he still looks mint like Steve fookin’ Marriott without the flames lickin’ ‘is fookin’ ‘ead. Anyway, if our kid wants to reform Oasis for the 30th anniversary of Standing On The Shoulder Of Giants then we could bury the hatchet for a quick lap of honour like, and then he can go back to his Unidentified Flying Turds.”
“I was re-reading Marcel Proust’s In Search Of Lost Time for the eighth time, which I don’t think you can really begin to properly appreciate until you’ve read it about eight times, when I was rudely interrupted by some amoeba-brained journalist with their usual lowbrow agenda who dared to call a minute early. Urgh, I thought, as I heard the telephone making an infernal racket down the hall, do I really have to deign to speak to another one of these Machiavellian imbeciles cluttering up my immaculate thought processes with their dishonest humdrum questions? I’ve yet to master how to control space and time so I spend the evening trying to chillax with some Ayn Rand Yoga.”
“Sutcliffe brings the jag around to the studio where I’ve just finished mastering my forty second solo album “Nuclear Skies Are All We Have, Now We’ve Run Out Of Diesel And Gasoline”. As he opens the door for me and bows, he asks me how I think it went. ‘It’s not Suede,’ I tell him, ‘so nobody will care what it sounds like. They’ll just accuse me of using the same lexicon of words when I’ve thought of new ways to describe the dystopian future, Sutcliffe. I’ve stripped everything back with just cello, piano and my beautiful, plaintive voice, and frankly I’ve reinvented the wheel with this one. And yet all I hear is ‘Albarn creative genius! Albarn goes to Azerbaijan with just a shoebox and some elastic bands! what a visionary! Albarn this! Albarn that! Blah blah blah’…”
“Whoo! Fuckin’ yeah! I used to do warehouse parties every weekend yeah, so it’s like well ironic I ended up working at IKEA innit. Can’t fuckin’ wait to join up on the 2047 Here and Now tour with Ikona fucking Pop! We were like massive in 2013 for like three weeks which was like pretty fuckin’ sick, blud. Looking back over the last 40 years, I don’t have any regrets, like, but if one more fuckin’ person asks me about sounding like Marina And The Diamonds then I’m gonna brain the c*nt. Like.”
“When Metallica went to war with Napster in the financial year of 2000, the company… I’m sorry… the band was deemed the uncoolest on the planet, and people suddenly thought of me as behaving like the chairman of a Nasdaq 100 company. Now it looks as though I was right all along where illegal downloading was concerned, and while the Lou Reed merger might have wiped some value from Metallica’s stock, the company …I’m sorry… the band, has grown each fiscal year since then…”