What Are The Least Sexy Songs Ever?

It’s Valentine’s Day today, in case you hadn’t noticed. We’re helpful folks here at NME.COM, and want to make sure your evening goes well. So, with that in mind, we’ve compiled a list of tracks that you’d be better off skipping over, lest you end up with a playlist full of #turnofftunes (to make doubly sure, we’ve also made a Spotify playlist).

Speaking of which, you’d do well to pony up for Spotify Premium for the day – nobody wants their stream of ‘What’s Going On’ to be interrupted by Mary from Spotify telling you about the best deals at ASDA. To accompany the playlist, a few of us have chosen our definitive #turnofftunes.

The Bloodhound Gang – ‘Bad Touch’
Sexy? No no no… (Priya Elan)

Inner Circle – ‘Sweat (A La La La La Long)’

Initially you could probably just about get away with it, in a ‘Oh I remember this’ kind of way, though obviously it’d be a bit weird. But it would soon get even more awkward, since the lyrics are rather more upsetting and rapey than you remember (seriously, look them up). (Luke Lewis)

Amy Adams – ‘That’s How You Know’

You’d think having something deeply unromantic like Slipknot come on would be a deal-breaker, but no, it was definitely this.
(Jen Long)

Russell Haswell – ‘Maquette Augmentation’
It sounds like a thousands electronic school bullies tearing their fingernails down an Etch A Sketch blackboard for a few minutes, followed by a really unpleasant hard drive crash. Basically screams “This guy is a serial killer with these noises inside his head 24/7“. (David Westle)

Todd Rundgren – ‘Slut’

Simply for the reason that its central refrain of “Yeah! Yeah! Ooooweeee! She may be a slut but she looks good to me!” might kill the romantic mood somewhat. (Pete Cashmore)

Aphex Twin – ‘Come To Daddy’

Nothing is guaranteed to ruin a tender moment like the wheezy guff of “I WANT YOUR SOUL” screeching up from Satan’s dark alley, while a flight of stairs is thrown down a flight of stairs. And the bestial chorus, “COME TO DADDY“, is even worse. (Fraser McAlpine)

Art Brut – ‘Rusted Guns Of Milan’
Eddie Argos’ anthem to erectile dysfunction. Enough said. (Jeremy Allen)

The Vaselines – ‘Monsterpussy’

It may or may not be about Frances McKee’s cat, nevertheless, a Monsterpussy isn’t exactly a topic you want to get onto when you’re trying to work your moves. (Jamie Crossan)

Action Bronson – ‘Love Letter’

On the surface, this appears to be a mellifluous love song with a really nice helium-soul sample. Having had it on in the background a few times and liked what I heard, I decided to play it to a girl I’ve been recently started seeing. What I didn’t realise is that ol’ Action has a tendency to describe his penchant for women in pretty misogynistic terms. My two minutes of trauma culminated when the morbidly obese Ghostface Killah soundalike began describing how he was going to ‘brutalise’ the intimate body parts of his young love. (John McDonnell)

Alexander O’Neal – ‘Criticize’
Singing along to this incessently catchy, whilst rather condescending complaint about a chiding love interest should probably be left to the solo shower experience. (Tom Edwards)