Here’s a question you’ve probably never pondered: If Jesus had a record player, what do you think he would have popped on at the Last Supper? So asked GummyWormPalace on the best thread on Reddit today. “I think he would have started with Fela Kuti, and then ended with Kid A,” he kicks off. Sounds about right. Others quickly made suggestions:
“I feel like he would’ve tossed on some Floyd. He just seems like he was a chill dude. ‘The Wall’ would be his shit for sure.”
“Jesus looks like an 8-track kinda dude. Just saying…”
Others pooh-poohed the idea:
But it got us thinking about key events in history and, if they’d happened today in some kind of crazy sci-fi universe, what music those involved would’ve picked – or even back then if they had a hi-fi and access to Soundcloud. Yup, we’re going there.
Caligula’s amazing Roman piss-ups
Caligula’s banquets were absurd. They featured loaves made of gold, fish dyed blue to look like they were still swimming, meats moulded into statues of elephants and plenty of sex. The Roman emperor may have been a sadistic, power-hungry murderer but you wouldn’t turn down an invite to one of his dos. Particularly if it was during the time he made his horse a senator. There’s only one soundtrack for excessive partying: EDM with a dash of Andrew WK. Caligula sounds like he was an LMFAO kind of guy.
Henry VIII’s peace party
Henry VIII was a total douche-bag and psychologically fascinating with it. Paranoid, insecure, megalomaniac, greedy… he chopped off all his wives’ heads like it was going out of fashion. Henners also had rivalries all over the world and once threw a peace party where he made up with the French king Francis I. What would he have stuck on to ameliorate the tension? Peace? Palma Violet’s ‘Best Of Friends’? Nah, he’d choose the new album from FKA Twigs to pacify the situation and convince the French king he wasn’t a complete loose cannon. The party, of course, descended into wrestling.
King Canute trying to stop the tide
You know when you get caught in a downpour before work and you’re wearing Converse and your feet are then soaked for the day and you get a chill and you can’t sit there barefoot because it’s not appropriate in the office so there’s no way around being uncomfortable? That was the shocker of a morning King Canute faced when he tried to make a point to his courtiers that he had no control over the waves (as a comment about God’s supreme power, apparently.) He sat on his throne ‘pon the shore of the sea and commanded the tide to stop. We all know what happens next. Though you need an uplifting power anthem in an embarrassing situation like that, I wager Canute would have been a Turin Brakes or U2 man.
Boudicca raises hell
Boudicca was a badass warrior and leader of a Celtic tribe on the east coast of Britain near Norwich. When the Romans screwed her over when her husband died, she revolted with an army of 100,000 people, wreaking relentless violence and death. “Let us show them that they are hares and foxes trying to rule over dogs and wolves,” she cried. What would she have chosen as her song to go into battle against the enemy? White Lung, obvs.
The entrance of the Trojan horse
It’s not your typical everyday experience, sitting in a massive wooden horse with your mates to sneak into the city of Troy after a long siege. You’d be terrified and pumping with adrenaline. I reckon those guys would’ve picked something quiet and calming like Bill Callahan or Bon Iver before a big ol’ sing-along to Ginuwine’s ‘Pony’ when they pulled it off.
When the Aztecs found Tenochtitlan in 1325
Music was a big part of Aztec culture but it was mainly used in religious or ritual situations. One imagines when they found their city Tenochitlan and built the megalithic Temple Of Quetzlcoatal, they had a bit of a bash. How best to celebrate creating something so magnificent while snacking on peyote? If the print department of Topshop had any say in it, Vampire Weekend would be on the stereo, but the Aztecs knew how to party, so we’ll go with happy hardcore.
Napoleon’s Exile To Elba
What would the French military legend have bumped when he was forced to shore up in Elba after the great failure of The Peninsular War and the damage inflicted on his Grande Armée? Kasabian or Kings Of Leon you say? No, there’s nothing like psy-trance to keep the energy and resolve up. In quieter moments he’d bliss out to Clean Bandit on the Tuscan coast.
Imagine if the women’s suffrage movement hadn’t kicked off in the early 19th Century. Imagine – God forbid – if it was only gathering steam now. What would Emmeline Pankhurst and her fellow goddesses be listening to? Miley Cyrus? Kathleen Hanna? Taylor Swift? Grimes and Lorde no doubt.
The Neanderthal life
We know little about our cave-dwelling ancestors in the Paleolithic Age. We do know that, contrary to popular culture, they didn’t live side by side with dinosaurs. We also know that life as a troglodyte was mainly about making knives from stone, eating leaves, making houses out of skulls (yes, it’s true) and fashioning pelts out of animal skins. They also had meticulous taste in music, opting for Autechre and Boards Of Canada. Legend has it when one of the cavemen took control of the decks and put on David Guetta, he was banished, shamed, to the wilderness for life.