Who The Fuck Is Rebecca Black?

The internet is now so excited about a new singer called Rebecca Black that it might actually be sick.

With Rebecca’s first video clocking over 11million views on YouTube in the last week alone (leading to ‘Rebecca Black’ being a top Twitter trending topic for several days straight), it’s got to be either phenomenal or a hideous ear and eye violation. Can you guess which it is?


‘Friday’ is almost an unremarkable, cheap, flash-in-the-pan pop song for kids who take High School Musical at face value, with a standard, substandard chorus about it being Friday, getting down, partying and fun. But there are several highlights that make it extra special.


Firstly, the whole thing looks like it’s been made using You’re In The Movies on the Xbox.

But mainly, it’s the lyrics. Rebecca herself is 13 years old, so if she wrote her own lyrics then it’s not remotely surprising that they are what they are, especially if English isn’t her first language and she’s had a bang on the head.

However, if anyone was paid to write this then I sincerely hope they threw in oral service for everyone at the record label, because here’s a sample:

“7am, waking up in the morning… gotta go downstairs, gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal… gotta get down to the bus stop, gotta catch my bus”.


And do you manage to catch your bus, Rebecca? Don’t leave us hanging!

No, she doesn’t catch it. Oh no! But it’s ok, because what happens instead is that a convertible full of foetuses pull up to give her lift.

Although, in this rollercoaster of her daily trials, this in itself presents a dilemma:

“Can get in the back seat, can get in the front seat, gotta make my mind up, which seat can I take?”

Surely the obvious solution – as there are already two people in the front, and only two seats in the front, whereas in the back there are three seats and only two people – is to sack your maths teacher. Whereas whoever taught you the days of the week needs a promotion:

“Yesterday was Thursday, today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards.” That’s right, Rebecca! Have a biscuit.

This immediately springs to mind.

She’s not the only one at it though. Inexplicably, not to mention inappropriately, a rapper who looks about 35 appears, driving through someone’s dream about New York city:

“I’m driving cruising, fast lane, switching lanes, with a car by my side, passing by is a school bus, in front of me.”
It’s at this point in the video that I like to imagine that this man has been hired to kill her.

But whatever this mystery man’s intention, he’s driving to meet Rebecca in the woods, where she has lured a herd of children by dancing under a tree like a mum at a wedding.

The whole thing is so inadvisable, so horrible and so weird that Rebecca’s teenage dreams of stardom have come true. Let this be shown in schools with that cautionary dramatisation of a kid getting hit by a train after trespassing on the tracks.

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