Will someone just give Big Narstie a TV show already?

Like, right now!

“Anyone who’s got pets – they’re gonna get bare mud in your yard!” So said grime star Big Narstie when he delivered a weather report on Good Morning Britain yesterday (January 16). The clip went viral, and viewers fell in love with the man whose fans are affectionately known as the Base Defence League. This, however, is not the first time the big man’s proved himself to be a small screen don – and, in fact, we reckon 2018 should be the year he becomes a bonafide telly sensation. Why, you ask? Let us count the ways…

He created the greatest piece of television of 2017

Narstie was drafted in to liven up the Christmas edition of This Week, the BBC’s staid political round-up hosted by human toadstool Andrew Neil. And, oh my God, please set aside nine minutes and 56 seconds to watch this entire, majestic YouTube clip, if you haven’t done so already. The rapper had appeared on the show in April, and Neil welcomes his return by purring, “Have you missed us? …I’ve missed you… You’re looking good.” Instead of joining #MeToo, Narstie, wearing a Santa hat, bellows nonsense into a megaphone, causing Michael Portillo to raise his eyebrows, before he delivers a colossal freestyle that includes the line: “Sexy, show me how you flex it / Are you ready to survive Brexit?” Next stop: Question Time!

Craig David is into it

And who are you to disagree with a man who measures time by shagging? He and Narstie teamed up for the top 10 smash ‘When the Bassline Drops’ back in 2016 and Craig, who considers this feat instrumental to his comeback, recently told NME that he wants to see more of the valiant BDL leader on the box. “He’s the funniest,” Craig said. “Just – bam! Out it comes. He’s got no filter. If he was asked to be in the Celebrity Big Bother House, he would win it. I look at him and think: ‘You are destined for TV.’” Pitch idea: Narstie’s House Party, in which he and Craig share a house not dissimilar to the one Noel Edmunds shared with Mr. Blobby.

He’s already a YouTube star

Big Narstie is a ready-made small screen icon, given that his Uncle Pain YouTube series is already a fan favourite. Here Narstie acts an agony uncle to the masses, fielding such issues such as “I think my girlfriend cheated in Napa”. He’s been doing this with great success since 2012, and even Robbie Williams – who released ‘Go Mental’, a collaboration with Narstie – is a fan. Robbie recently told NME: “I like grime music and I like the internet, so I flick from track to track and I stumbled upon him…. Uncle Pain made me laugh. I wanted to meet him and then not only did I get to hang out with him, but he graced my track with some of his lyrics. It was a good day and I love him.” That’s right: he’s loving Narstie instead.

The man can dance

Back in late 2016, Narstie taught NME how to perform the BDL Skank, a dance move that accompanies his track of the same name. The lyrics are: “Left hand, move it like you’re swimming / Right hand, move it like you’re swimming / Get gassed, and then you put your hip in.” You use these words as your directions – it’s not rocket science – and, as Narstie explains in the clip, “then you just wobble.” For those in need of further direction, he adds: “Ride the buzz appropriately. Use your surroundings like you’re somebody’s child.” Wise words. In this fabulous video, which you should probably watch, Narstie goes into further detail on the genesis of the dance. “It’s a mix between between a swim and a wobble,” he says. “It’s the Mo Farah of fat people dancing… A long-distance fat person dance. Any fat person can BDL Skank the whole night away and keep up with the vibes at Mo Farah stamina.” Look, just give the man his fucking BAFTA, okay?

He saved some tired formats in 2017

It would more be entertaining to watch Ed Sheeran polish his Brit Awards than witness him exchange bot mots with Example on the celebrity edition of Gogglebox. Yet Narstie was the segment’s saviour – and, perhaps surprisingly, brought some grace to the proceedings. Sitting beside the hapless pair, swilling a cognac, he listened laconically as they explained the rules of Strictly Come Dancing, before he encouraged the Halloween-themed dancers with the immortal words: “Go on, Frankenstein!” Similarly, he injected some fresh life in The Big Fat Quiz of the Year, confusing The Crystal Maze host Richard O’Brien for Right Said Fred. These shows have been going for donkey’s years. If Narstie can make them feel brand new, he can do pretty much anything.