Oh come all ye TV talent show chancers, John Lewis mewlers, charity bucket rattlers, anti-Cowell Facebook campaigns and touters of novelty toss, it’s Christmas Number One time again. And with Cruz Beckham landing in the race like a meteorite in a duck pond, it’s turning into one of the most exciting and unpredictable contests since everyone stopped caring about The X Factor. Here’s the top 10 runners and riders…
11/4 – Parliamentary Choir/Friends Of Jo Cox, ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’
You can get odds of up to 150-1 on everyone from Michael Buble to something called Jollyboys & The King Lot to be Christmas Number One this year, but the current frontrunner is this charity cover of the Stones classic by a rag-bag of musicians including Ricky Wilson, KT Tunstall, Steve Harley and David Gray. With Robb Johnson & The Corbynistas’ pro-Jez anthem ‘JC 4 PM 4 Me’ slipping to 66/1, this is looking like the festive political tune to get behind, at least until Sleaford Mods release ‘I’m Dreaming Of A Trump-Free Christmas’.
3/1 – Zayn Malik And Taylor Swift, ‘I Don’t Wanna Live Forever’
Coming up fast on the outside, odd-wise, is Zaylor’s cut from the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack, which is about as Christmassy as a spiked paddle up your jacksie, but perfect for the BDSM ballad lover in your life. Its march to the top may be staggered, though, by the fact that YouTube videos pertaining to be the song are generally versions of Bobby McFerrin’s ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ or rave tunes set to footage of Zayn moodily spinning a copy of ‘Ziggy Stardust’ between raunchy footage from the film, presumably considering all the racy cosplay he missed out on by not being alive in 1972.
7/2 – X Factor Winner Matt Terry
Jesus, are you still here? Not getting the message of plummeting ratings and barely scraping into the Xmas Top ten last year, Cowell is throwing everything behind this year’s winner, now revealed to be Matt Terry. He’ll release an original song penned by Ed Sheeran called ‘When Christmas Comes Around’. Just be aware, if you buy this song you may be helping to kill Christmas.
6/1 – Greg Lake, ‘I Believe In Father Christmas’
2016, of course, was the year in which virtually everyone died, somewhat splitting the remember-them-with-a-Xmas-Number-One vote. But from the plethora of contenders, King Crimson guitarist Greg Lake, who sadly passed away this week, is beating out ‘Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth’, ‘Hallelujah’ and, um, Terry Wogan’s ‘The Floral Dance’ (33/1) with this attack on the commercialism of the festive season.
7/1 – Cruz Beckham, ‘If Everyday Was Christmas’
Passing over being a footballer like his dad, 11-year-old Cruz Beckham has opted to be a singer, like Mariah Carey. His debut single, in aid of the Make Some Noise charity, is certainly pretty Mariah-like, as jingly and bubblegum as ‘All I Want For Christmas’. The dynasty grows…
9/1 – The London Hospices Choir, ‘The Living Years’
With the Tories hell-bent on running down and flogging off the NHS like a knackered greyhound, our only hope of fending off overpriced health insurance now lies, as we always knew it eventually would, with Mike + The Mechanics. Ex-singer Paul Carrack has recreated their best-known hit with the London Hospice Choir, hoping to recreate the success of Lewisham & Greenwich NHS Choir’s 2015 Xmas Number One. Jeremy Hunt plans for the entire NHS to be funded by charity singles by 2018.
14/1 – Clean Bandit, ‘Rockabye’
In the running by dint of currently being Number One, will it hold on, or will the legendary mates-of-Cortana do a Bieber and gracefully bow out to make way for the charity one?
16/1 – Inspiral Carpets, ‘Saturn 5’
Another tribute campaign, this time to Inspirals drummer Craig Gill who sadly died in November. A frankly storming tune, it’s certainly a more celebratory tribute than, say, ‘This Is How It Feels’.
16/1 – Mariah Carey, ‘All I Want For Christmas’
Back again like a bad rash, you know this already so let’s take a moment to bask in the satisfaction of getting this far down the list of potential Christmas Number Ones and still not coming across the John Lewis ad song or James Corden. That, readers, is the sweet sound of blessed relief.
20/1 – Rag’n’Bone Man, ‘Human’
The Brits Critics Choice Effect grinds into motion as the 2017 winner enters the Xmas Number One fray, slightly ahead of an act called The Everly Pregnant Brothers on 25/1.