You Can Achieve A Chiptune Orgasm With This Customised Synthesiser-Cum-Sex Toy

Would you like to hear the least sexy phrase in the English language?

“New, sealed vaginal insertable.”

Then again, sexuality is a broad spectrum and if the phrase “sealed vaginal insertable” makes you weak at the knees – if, repeated over and over, that curiously specific term could deliver you to your own personal sexual Valhalla – then, boy howdy, do we have the keyboard for you.

Posted on eBay by hero and sexual renegade hypnoritual, this advert , which coins the memorable phrase above, offers you the chance to combine everyone’s two favourite things – sex and musical instruments from the 1980s – for the low, low price of $229.

In the item specifics, he/she/it coolly explains of the customised Realistic Concertmate 500 keyboard: “It can still function as a “normal” keyboard if you attach a speaker or headphones to the output – but the speaker has been removed and replaced with parts to turn it into an e-stim device.” We can gather from this that hypnoritual, down with lingo such as “e-stim”, has fallen quite far into the rabbit hole of inventive autoeroticism.

And, indeed, he/she/it offers a warning for readers hoping to hit the high notes: “Please don’t purchase this if you are new to e-stim, unless you have the patience to learn how it works.” The writer Malcolm Gladwell famously said that 10,000 hours of practice can make you world-class in any field. 10,000 hours of strumming yourself with a novelty keyboard – this is all that’s standing between you and a high-pitched, chiptune orgasm.

Apparently the customisation means “the ‘sounds’ become electric sensations” and if you find a rhythm you like, you can record it and enjoy it on demand. There are pictures, including this one of the dizzyingly snug “3.5mm output jack”.

Phwoar, look at the port on that!

Anyway, that’s your weekend plans sorted between now and forever: sitting in your Birthday suit, probably your socks too, tinkling away at the ivories, bravely riding your Realistic Concertmate 500 to sexual nirvana, cresting a wave of tinny, plinkety-plonkety beats.