Pornhub has released a Christmas album called ‘XXXmas’. Does it suck, or does it bang?

'Tis the season to be jolly horny. The randy company has gifted the world with an X-rated festive rap album. Is it 'WAP' or is it crap?

In further news that 2020 is fucked, Pornhub have released ‘XXXmas’, a trap album with horny Christmas-themed lyrics from A$AP Ferg, Sukihana, Rubi Rose, Mila J and KenTheMan. Everybody’s fretting about accidentally giving granny COVID this Yuletide – but you could probably play her this and finish the old dear off from a heart attack quicker. Strap in (or on) as we tell you what you need to know.

This isn’t the first time Pornhub has dipped its er, toe into the music world

Having launched their own record label in 2014, the company’s worked with the likes of Flo Rida and Waka Flocka Flame, and Kanye West was creative director of (and designed the phallic-shaped trophies for) the 2018 Pornhub Awards. His outburst of “I’mma Let You Finish” might take on another meaning at an event that, to quote the late Joan Rivers, is probably like normal ceremonies except the red carpet is shaved. Last year, they even dropped their first NSFW Valentine’s Day album, enlisting Blac Chyna, Lil Xan and Asia Doll to spread the lurrve. Who knows what calendar date Pornhub will opt to commemorate with a carnal mixtape next?! Mother’s Day? Remembrance Sunday?

Move over The Darkness’ ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End)’ – ‘XXXmas’ contains festive rudeness galore 

The cup runneth over this yuletide. On ‘Ho’, rapper Sukihana, her “pussy is coming giftwrapped’ and on ‘Mistletoe’ A$AP Ferg says: “Santa, I got hos…one of them, two of them, three of them four”, sounding like a thotty Count from Sesame Street. ‘Naughty Girl’ sees Rubi Rose on the “naughty-list” because “It ain’t no Silent Night / Not when I ride it’, and Mila J’s ‘Holiday Freak Shit’ opts for: “Lift my legs up so you can kiss under this mistletoe.” KenTheMan probably wins the (doubtless Kanye West-designed) Wordplay Award on ‘Vixen’ with: ‘No Dasher, I’m the motherfucking Vixen’.

It comes on like ‘WAP’ with added sleighbells

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Rappers Sukihana and Rubi Rose appeared in Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s blockbusting ‘WAP’ video, and four out of the five tracks here are by fierce women who talk openly about their sexuality without succumbing to men. Sukihana (famous for saying her throat’s six-feet long)’s ‘Ho’ sees her thinking like a pimp with St Nick: “You want some ass, Santa? / Well, I want some cash Santa”. Rubi Rose’s ‘Naughty Girl’ starts out with a jaunty interpretation of ‘Santa Baby’, before dropping into a bass-heavy trap number. Bow down!

A$AP Ferg is the lump of coal in the stocking

Because the rest of the album is essentially women celebrating their own sexuality with a seasonal flavour, the former member of the A$AP Crew stands out like a sore… thumb. “Yeah, I’ve got a crazy ass story,” he says at the beginning, before launching into a boring-ass anecdote about a woman asking him to spit on her. Over a sleazy and hypnotic beat, he effects cringe-y orgasm noises, rhymes “camel-toe” with “mistletoe”, and generally makes it sound as if he leaves a mince pie and morning after pill out for Kris Kringle on Christmas Eve.

The album is topped and tailed by filthy skits

‘XXXmas’ opens with the skit ‘Voicemail’, featuring Young M.A and porn star Demi Sutra as Mrs Claus leaving Santa for another man (Krampus? The Easter Bunny?), because “he slides down my chimney better than you ever did!”, and closes with ‘Stuff Our Stockings Santa’, where another porn star, Asa Akira, tells Father Christmas to “fuck me with that North Pole!’. It’s wearingly thin gruel that even Jim Davidson would have rejected for one of his lewd pantos.

Does it slap? 

Well, it’s better and more on-trend than any album whose cover features ‘2020’ seemingly inscribed in semen has any right to be. There are only seven tracks (two of which are skits), and the sleigh bells and lyrical Xmas innuendos make it obviously seem throwaway novelty rather than timeless. It doesn’t precisely swaddle you in Christmas cheer, but it’s probably easier to have sex to than ‘Wombling Merry Christmas’.

Overall score: Three out of five. Although the Metacritic average should probably be 69.

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