Last week I reviewed the remake of ‘Taking Of Pelham One, Two, Three’ stating that it was “reasonably enjoyable if stupid”.
I could do this because I, shock horror, haven’t seen the original. I know, I know, call myself a movie geek, blah, blah. But I was able to tolerate the new film because I wasn’t in love with the original.
This morning, however, I woke to the news that Senor Spielberg has taken leave of his senses and decided to remake my beloved ‘Harvey’.
Now you may not have seen ‘Harvey’ but I can assure you its one of the best films ever put to celluloid. It’s funny and poignant and has a (possibly) career best turn from Jimmy Stewart (which makes it possibly the greatest performance full stop).
In a list of best films containing rabbits it leaves bunny poop all over both ‘Donnie Darko’ and ‘Watership Down’.
So in a fit of complete self-indulgence because one of MY favourite films is being re-made, here’s a list of the most pointless, painful remakes to date in the hope that Steven sees this and changes his mind. Because he’s such a huge fan of my work. He has this site bookmarked in his favourites, apparently.
The announcement that Gus Van Sant was due to remake Hitchcock’s classic came on April Fools Day. Everybody thought it was a joke. A complete vanity project for the director as it was to be a shot for shot re-do. As pointless as a vagina on Anne Widdecombe, the only real reason the studio could come up with was that the blood in the shower will now be in colour. No using chocloate sauce then.
Is it worse to remake a film because people can’t handle black and white or because they can’t be bothered to read subtitles? Not even a year had passed between the Spanish original and the, again, shot-for-shot remake. The trend of pandering to the illiterate will continue with the news that ‘Let The Right One In’ is due for a do-over later this year. Anger rising, rising, rising!
Planet Of The Apes
You certainly can’t complain that this was shot-for-shot. Apart from the spherical world being inhabited by monkeys, much was changed. Including that exceptionally stupid ending. Rumour has it Burton only became involved because he wanted to see Helena Bonham Carter dressed as a chimp. Pervert. Worth watching to see Mark Wahlberg upstaged by a monkey within the first five minutes.
Is it techically a remake if it’s based on historical events? Yeah I think so. If you’ve never seen ‘A Night To Remember’, the original and still the best Big Boat Movie, check it out. Fans will say Cameron’s is incredible, lifelike and full of real tension and tragedy yet the former had all of these things. In fact the only real new additions are an appalling screenplay and Celine Dion; the cinematic equivalent of adding a turd to ice cream to make a delicious new snack. Oh, and if you can watch the video below all the way through I’ll send you half of that delicious new snack.
The Wicker Man
The king of the re-makes (‘Gone In Sixty Seconds’, ‘Bangkok Dangerous’, ‘City Of Angels’, ‘Family Man’, sort of) offered a few for this list but seeing as how many of the films he’s dabbled with weren’t amazing in the first place, Nic Cage seems to have gotten away with tea-leafing everyone elses ideas. Not so for ‘The Wicker Man’. The purists came out in force to burn star Cage and director LaBute alive, and rightly so. Dull, unscary and worst of all very, very American, ‘The Wicker Man 2006’ was everything the original wasn’t. Hands off our cults Nic. Check out the video below for how it should have been ‘re-imagined’.
That lot should give Steven something to think about. In the meantime post your comments below. Is your worst on the list? Do you actually like some of the ones above? Let me know and I’ll read your thoughts. Then rewrite them into German. Sans colour. Starring Nic Cage.