‘Crank: High Voltage’ And The 5 Stupidest Films Of All Time

Ah Jason Statham. The potato-headed one is back in the ‘let’s do the first one but bigger’ ‘Crank: High Voltage’. If you thought he was dead at the end of the first movie you were right. But according to the tagline, He Got Better. This is stupid. Fantastically stupid but stupid nonetheless.


When he wakes up about to have his “huge cock” harvested, he gets a bit angry and repeats the first movie with a bit more granny rubbing, shotguns positioned up bums and similar ‘Grand Theft Auto’ style shenanigans. And while it may run out of battery…ahem…before the end there’s enough ludicrously OTT jokes, (ironic) misogyny and (ironic) racism to recommend it as a perfect ironic Saturday ‘wiv yer mates’ movie. At least I think its ironic…


But in honour of what will probably be the lowering of collective IQ’s across the country here is a selection of the dumbest, most stupid, completely and utterly retarded movies you can find. More suggestions welcome.

‘Shoot Em Up’
You know the scene in ‘Hard Boiled’ where Chow picks up the baby amid a big fuck off gunfight. That’s this movie. For a fairly brief 75 minutes Clive Owen delivers a baby and shoots people in the head. XXX-Rated. Its good.
Most ridonkulous bit: Shooting the baby’s umbilical cord off.

Vin should probably have a lot more movies on this list considering how inexplicably complicated most of them are when you think about their intended audience. But this one of X-Treme sports enthusiast Xander Cage being hired by the big bad government to help save the world definitely wins the Durrrrhh award. It’s not good.
Most ridonkulous bit: Car Surfing. Sigh.

‘Anything Starring Adam Sandler’
I don’t hate Adam Sandler. I’ve always believed his heart is in the right place (unlike Jason Statham in ‘Crank 2’!!! Did I really just write that?) yet it’s clear as day that a newborn baby who’s been dropped down seven flights of stairs could understand the plot and jokes of most AS flicks. Which dumb to choose? I’ll go for the Satan-themed ‘Little Nicky’.
Most ridonkulous bit: His face.

‘The Transporter’
More Stath. Just take five minutes to go read the plot synopsis on IMdb. If you don’t pull a face that resembles a man with his balls in a blender I’ll send you a fiver. Just stick well away from the third outing. It’s not even dumb fun, just ball-achingly bad.
Most ridonkulous bit: Jason’s accent. Where is he from? The middle of the Atlantic Ocean it would seem.

This was perhaps the cinematic highlight of last year (I should know, I watched all buggering films released). Liam tells his daughter not to go to Europe as she’ll definitely get raped and sold as a sex slave. She doesn’t listen. She gets raped and sold as a sex slave. Liam hunts down all responsible and kills, literally, anyone in his way. Possibly the most offensively dumb film ever made.
Most ridonkulous bit: “Jean-Claude! I’ll tear down the Eiffel Tower if I have to!”


‘The Lake House’
Time-travelling mail box? How do the screenwriters not fall down more?