Fangs, Fags and Footballers – An Alternative Summer Movie Guide

If you, like me, are a pretentious prick whose idea of a great movie-going experience is well placed mise-en-scene coupled with emotional pay-offs of fully rounded characters, then the summer at the cinema is a sad place to be. 17 copies of ‘Wolverine’ playing back-to-back is not what I’d refer to as ‘a great appreciation of celluloid as art’.


But fear not you wanky, beret-wearing types – or ‘my brothers’, as I shall henceforth call you (using henceforth is pretty wanky) I am on hand to help you find the deep, the meaningful, the stroky beard movies that will be hidden amongst the ‘Bang, Crash Wallop, What-A-Video’ summer schedule, like little crusts of spunk adorning a used hotel bed.


Synecdoche, New York
Yay, a title that I can’t even pronounce. I love this film already! As a bonus it stars one of the best, yet most uncommercial actors of the modern day, Philip Seymour Hoffman (all his films are great, but make fuck all money except ‘Twister’ and ‘MI3’). And the plot has him building a full-scale replica of New York in a warehouse. But the biggest draw for me is this is writer Charlie Kaufman (‘Being John Malkovich’, ‘Adaptation’, ‘Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind’) and his directorial debut. I’m soaking my copies of ‘Sight And Sound’ with piss I’m so excited.

Looking For Eric
Watch the fuck out Megatron! Starring A-lister Steve Evets (he was in an episode of ‘Casualty’, two episodes of ‘New Street Law’ and three, count ’em, three episodes of ‘Heartbeat!’) and directed by Ken ‘Kes’ Loach, this tale of a postman from the north whose life goes down the shitter until he starts to imagine Eric Cantona giving him advice is sure to pull in the punters. Except maybe it won’t, because it’ll be thought-provoking and well-acted and good. All those things you people hate.

500 Days Of Summer
While writing my Screenwriting Masters dissertation (bow to my academic pretentiousnessnessness) I decided to script a romantic comedy about a girl and a boy who fall in love. Except the girl doesn’t. The day after I submitted my portfolio I saw the synopsis for this the film that wowed the Sundance Film Festival. Then I wept. For it was the same. Then I realised that, as my script would have probably sucked balls, I was glad that someone had made the film I wanted to make. That they’ve cast Zooey Deschanel (I love her) in it and the opening trailer shot (see below) has a guy wearing big headphones listening to depressing music (It’s movie-me!!!) only adds to my excitement for the greatest movie ‘that I think is about me but really isn’t’ ever.

Blood – The Last Vampire
I should be worried about this as it has a) a terrible voiceover on the trailer, b) is being sold as coming from the producers of ‘Hero’ and ‘Crouching Tiger’ (putting producers on posters is very rarely a good sign) and c) has a plot very similar to Wesley Snipes’ ‘Blade’ films. But since ‘Let The Right One In’ came and sucked all the plasma rich cynicism out of my veins, I now love vampires in all shapes and sizes. Except sparkly ones who play baseball. I just will not let that go.

I Love You Phillip Morris
Since when is a film starring Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor an ‘under the radar’, alternative film? Answer, when it’s really, really, really gay. Hollywood is as backward as a person who listens to vinyl backward to hear hidden messages when it comes to homosexuality. Of course the right-wing of America would have you believe that 90% of Los Angeles either smokes a pole or munches on rug, but for actual representation of gay men and women on screen the movie industry is as conservative as the Conservatives at a convention for conservativism. Hopefully this, along with the likes of worthier fare like ‘Milk’, will be the film to stop that.

How about you dear reader? Are there any gems I’ve missed tucked away between the bangs and lasers of ‘Terminator’ and ‘Star Trek’? Post below. I’ll need more than just these five films to get me through this long hot summer…