Futility, Despair And Fluffy Dogs – The Month In Movies

I bloody hate February. Snow, Valentine’s Day (read my views on that here), darkness at 4pm, ‘look at me I’m only 28 days long’. Its a month that sucks more than a Dyson on full pelt.

But there are some high points. The Oscars, The Baftas, The Owl Parliament festival. And there were some pretty decent flicks too. Many of which are still playing at your local multiplex. Here’s a rundown of them. Here. Right here. Look!



Film of the month for me was ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’. I realise as I write this that the comments section will fill up thick and fast with people in the red corner agreeing with what a genius I am for understanding that this was a glorious film about timing and the importance of missed opportunities.

And in the blue corner people calling me a naive twatsack with as much cinematic knowledge as Paul Ross for the fact is the film was overlong, dull and pretentious. Well it was all those last three things and I still bloody loved it. David Fincher is still yet to make a bad film. You may quote me.

The horror film quota for February is always pretty high. The studio line seems to be, ‘Take a girl to the cinema on V-Day and watch her pants fly off with shock’. As is always the way at the moment these horrors were remakes. But as is also the way, this year I’m not legally required to watch them.

So I don’t. Because I’m a big scaredy cat. But I know some people that did. ‘My Bloody Valentine 3-D’, got a big affirmative nod of the head from my colleagues. Ticking all the boxes. Good jumps, stupid characters that you want to die and the 3-D was used well to put an extra set of willies up you. These same colleagues were not as friendly to the re-imagining of ‘Friday The 13th’. Boring, pointless and poorly acted even for a Jason movie. Avoid.

‘Unborn’ has been packing the seats in but nobody I know will watch it cos it has scary kids in it. Seems I’m not the only person-sized pussy in my cinema.

One of the most depressing days of my life can be summed up in the double bill of ‘Revolutionary Road’ and ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. But for completely different reasons. The former was an astonishingly good film about the disintegration of a marriage. On the surface a lovely, happy couple, Leo and Kate see their lives go down different paths once the ring is placed upon the finger. At times bleak, at times ‘slit your wrists’ depressing, if you take away anything from it, it’s that a little madness is good. Embrace a little madness. Just don’t go the full mental.


As for ‘HJNTIY’, I can’t remember being so angry coming out of a show in a long time. An Altman-lite piece about relationships and singledom that was almost enough to make me chop my cock off and go live on an island somewhere. Starting out as a set of rules for women to live by (suck on that Emily Davison) it gets worse and worse as each set of characters fucks each other and fucks each other over.

The only pair that made some sense were marriage-phobic Ben Affleck and clock-watching Jennifer Aniston. Ben gets dumped for not popping the question. Sticks firmly to his principles. Gets Jen back who realises maybe wedded bliss isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (maybe she watched ‘Revolutionary Road’). Then the blockhead Affleck proposes. Without considering if that’s really what he wants, she accepts. Doomed. All relationships are doomed!

If you do manage to find someone and then shit out some kids you could do a lot worse than taking them to see ‘Hotel For Dogs’. It may be a piece of fluff, fluffier than the fluff in my fluffy navel but it’s pretty perfect family entertainment (I pray a studio exec reads this and puts it on the DVD, as written by NME). The ‘Spartacus’-style ending even had me welling up a bit. Or it had me crying buckets depending on whether I’m lying.

‘Bolt’ also came out (also in 3-D) but I’m more scared of Miley Cyrus than I am of horror films so I also avoided that.

Quick rundown of other films. ‘Push’ was better than ‘Jumper’. That is not saying much. The credit crunch writ large limped forward in ‘The International’ a dull tale of how evil bankers are. Ooooh they are evil.

And ‘Pink Panther 2’ was another nail in Steve Martin’s coffin. You may have a warm swimming pool now Steve, but there will be an entire generation that thinks you’re only as good as ‘Cheaper By The Dozen’. Please make something to prove them wrong.