How Do I Loathe Harry Potter? Let Me Count The Ways

There are times as a writer when you know that with every word you type you’ll be making someone, somewhere very unhappy. Quite honestly this can be a lot of fun, especially when you set your sights on an entire fanbase. It’s even more joyous when you vehemently disagree with a fellow writer.

Nobody should be logging on to NME to read people agreeing wholeheartedly with each other about about the latest music, film and other popular issues, calmly pouring each other tea and eating scones. No, dear reader, you want a fight and a fight you shall have.

With that in mind fellow NME writer James McMahon is a big stupid poo head who wants to have sex with Harry Potter. See here for his “reasons”.

I reckon it’s James’ glasses. Perhaps all people without 20-20 have a deep-seated love of Potter as they see themselves reflected in the little wizardy prick. Obviously by this fuzzy logic I would be in love with all films that feature rodent-faced characters – and I do like Ratatouille. Maybe this argument holds weight.

Love of characters who share a vague physical characteristic with yourself notwithstanding, perhaps Potter fans, including Mr. McMahon, can answer these charges…

1) “But if you’d read the book first!”
The number one excuse to any Potter criticism of weak characterization, rushed scenes and a general feeling of boredom is that I should have previously sat down and churned my way through 7 novels at over 400 pages each. My response: fuck you! Why should I have to do homework before I watch a movie? It wasn’t necessary for me to read Mein Kampf before appreciating Downfall. I didn’t need to move to New York, offer people lifts and hang around with child prostitutes to see that Taxi Driver is a work of art. A good film should speak for itself. Teach you something you didn’t know. Not demand prior reading.


2) “Originality is so unorignal”
During the first half of the seventh instalment Harry, Han and Leia (sorry Ron and Hymen-E) try to destroy a piece of jewelry that will prevent the dark master becoming powerful. The problem is this piece of neck furniture wealds a mysterious power over its bearer, making them angry and moody. Now no-one is trying to claim that either LOTR or Star Wars were particularly mould-making but they got there first. Rip people off by all means. Just hide it better.

3) “I’m a grown adult!”
Okay this isn’t strictly true. I sleep next to a teddy bear I’ve had since my first Christmas and on my bedside table is a Wall-E toy I activate on a daily basis and giggle so hard that wee comes out of my tiny, pubeless penis. But, nevertheless, this man is grown up and he says it better than I can:

4) “Who’s that? What’s his name? Why’s he doing that?”
Again this is down to my inability (and lack of desire) to read the books but I’m as lost as Lord Lucan trying to follow the films. That French lass from In Bruges, wasn’t Harry trying to knob her? Now she’s with the oldest ginger one? I don’t even remember there being a fourth ginger one? What happened to the Chinese girl? Where the balls did John Hurt come from? He wasn’t in the last 5 films! Oh he was a shopkeeper in the first one was he. Integral character then. Having to sit through a Potter turns me into my nan attempting to watch The Wire.

5) “He-who-must-not-be-named likes it”
Yes, that’s right, Potter has even invaded the Houses of Parliment. During PMQ’s this week, the real dark lord, David Cameron was asked about Harry to which the Etonian plumsack replied, “The UK Film industry should make more films like Harry Potter that people want to see”. So much for film as art then. Now I can’t categorically state that the leader of this country asphyxi-wanks to the wizard series with a wand up his arse, but I will say the Tory party do have form…

That should hopefully have offended enough people. I must however make it clear that this criticism is levelled wholly at the films. I have not, and may never, read the books. You can have them. Just don’t fill up my local 14 screen cinema with 9 films of the fuckers. Let the hatred begin below.

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