How Much Do I Wish I Was John Cusack?

John Cusack you say? What’s he got coming out? Why is this in the slightest bit relevant to anything at all? Nothing and it’s completely irrelevant, are the answers to those fascinating questions, other than I watched ‘Serendipity’ last night and thought how much I want to be him in almost everything he’s ever done. Ever. (Okay its a slow film month, no awards ceremonies, no festivals and no big movies, but we can still have fun yeah? Yeah?!).


So why is John Cusack so unbelievably great that I feel the need to waste your time and mine by fellating him with my words? First up he’s played some of modern cinema’s greatest roles (see below), he has an awesome on-screen and real life best friend in Jeremy Piven, he loves good music (he co-produced the ‘High Fidelity’ soundtrack and his favourite band is The Clash), he’s politically astute (i.e. he’s a bit of a leftie) but doesn’t ram it down people’s throats and he’s just the right side of good-looking without being annoyingly handsome. And he was Lloyd Dobler


The Best ‘I Want To Be Him’ John Cusack Characters

Lloyd Dobler (‘Say Anthing’)
Never did I think I’d rate a cheesy 80’s romcom as one of my favourite films of all time but with a central performance full of wonderfully naive charm and guts John Cusack brings to life the perfect boyfriend ever. As the tagline says “To know Lloyd Dobler is to love him. Diane Court is about to know Lloyd Dobler.” A guy so unashamedly romantic he’d stand on top of a car with a boombox blasting out Peter Gabriel to his lost love. This is not nearly as lame as it sounds. Honestly.
Most Quotable Cusack line: “I wanna get hurt!”

Martin Q. Blank (‘Grosse Pointe Blank’)
Skip forward 10 years and its as if Lloyd Dobler had homicidal tendencies. Martin Q. Blank is a guy who loves his cat, is loyal to his friends and wants nothing more than his high school sweetheart back. That he kills people for money is neither here nor there because whether its protecting the father of the woman he loves from a gun-toting Ghostbuster or giving her aeroplanes on her bed, Marty is the perfect man. Loving and lethal.
Most Quotable Cusack Line: “I’m sorry if I fucked up your life.”

Rob Gordon (‘High Fidelity’)
Nobody should really want to be Rob Gordon. Okay maybe you can be the Rob at the end of ‘High Fidelity’ but the Rob throughout is a whiny, woe-is-me, shitbag. As his sister so eloquently puts it “Hey Rob. You Fucking Asshole!” And he is a fucking asshole, because he encapsulates ‘man’ perfectly. He doesn’t really understand women, he is way too self-involved and he has an unhealthy obsession with music/film/books. Y’know unreal stuff. But we love him, because he is us and we are him. (Oh and any women reading this don’t feel smug. You’re just as mental, but you’re prettier than us so you get away with it.)
Most Quotable Cusack Line: “She LIKED me. She liked ME. SHE liked me… At least I think she did.”

Jonathan Trager (‘Serendipity’)
When you are a single man who has a pathological need to be in love there are very few things that stop you making toast in a full bath. One of the things that keeps me going is the ridiculously OTT and stupidly naive thought that out there is the right person for me. Its just an excuse really. A way of not getting into any relationship that might fail. But I get to back it up with films like ‘Serendipity’ that don’t help the stupid notion. And of course with John’s Jonathan we have another man who can pull out a one-liner or an emotional sucker punch as easy as you can say “Really Owen, Fictional characters. Fik-shun-al Char-ak-ters!”.
Most Quotable Cusack Line: (On being asked his favourite New York moment by a girl he’s just met) “This one’s climbing the charts”.