Not everyone who works as a projectionist has the same jaded and pretentious outlook on movies as yours truly. In fact one of my fellow colleagues will be happy as a clam as long as a motion picture contains either “explosions” or “titty”.
We never agree on whether a movie is good because we have almost diametric taste in film. Yet, somehow, for the first time in over five years, we agreed that ‘Miss March: Generation Penetration’ was quite possibly the worst film of all time.
Okay I’m sure there are some straight-to-DVD films that top it and the budget is low enough to not be truly offensive but my God Miss March is an awful, awful piece of shit. Worthy of the title of worst film ever? let’s see.
If a blockbuster fails it’ll probably still have some nice SFX. If an epic is dull as dishwater it’ll at least be made with care. If say, ‘Are We There Yet?’ with Ice Cube makes me want to gun down children, well, to be fair it wasn’t made with me in mind.
But a comedy that isn’t funny? Surely this is the worst crime of all.
Some may argue that comedy is subjective. A fair point, I grant you. But ‘Miss March’ fails to actually supply any jokes. Yes, there are scenes that feature epilepsy/blowjobs/piss-drinking/lesbianism and a character who regularly shits himself that are designed to make pre-pubescent gobshites titter embarrassingly but attached to these scenes is absolutely no reason to laugh.
Earlier in the year ‘Sex Drive’ proved there was still a little mileage in the gross-out/bawdy/road-trip saga yet ‘Miss March’ takes the viewers acceptance that low-brow can be funny and smothers it to death like an errant child.
The lead actor does a terrible, terrible Jim Carrey impression under the delusion that his rubber-faced antics count as comedy. The script is painfully stuck in the 90’s and features more ‘dude’, ‘like’, ‘so’ and ‘awesomes’ than a ‘Clueless’ convention. The one recognisable face in the cast is Daryl from the ‘American Office’ who tries quite hard with his rapper DonkeyDick.Mpeg (yes its that kind of movie,) but as Donkey Dick is the closest thing to a gag these hacks have thought up they use it ad nauseum throughout the mercifully brief running time.
I feel bad slating these first-time writer/director/stars as one day I hope that someone takes a punt on something I’ve written. But how they thought this would work at script-stage or even after the film was wrapped they didn’t just throw it in the bin and try again, is beyond my comprehension.
Is it fair to call this the worst movie of all time, when garbage like ‘Date Movie’ is released year-upon-year? Perhaps so, as the ‘Epic/Date/Scary’ franchise aren’t really films but plagues sent down by a very vengeful and homophobic God.
Which leaves ‘Miss March’ the king of the shitpile. And if you don’t believe me, I’ll leave the final word to my fellow projectionist friend, (the one with the awful taste in films): “This had titty in it and its still crap”.