Lesbian Vampire Killers – It’s Not Scary, And There Aren’t Many Lesbians In It

It would be quite easy to dismiss my dislike of Horne and Corden as mere jealously on my part. For starters I haven’t even seen their much-lauded show ‘Gavin and Stacey’ (the main reason for their success), but the fact that they’re only a few years older than me, but look much younger, have two prime time shows, now have a feature film, and probably get a higher quantity of real ladies than the ‘unreal’ ones I see on dubious websites, makes me want bad things to happen to them.


So much so that when somebody rang into BBC6 and explained that they would do something ‘funny for money’ in aid of Comic Relief, but only when they saw Horne and Corden do something ‘funny for money’ first, I laughed so much I fell off my chair. I found myself hoping this backlash would last long enough to ruin both their careers. Completely unjustified, stupid envy from me, a man who has accomplished nothing with his 26 years on the planet. Thank goodness then for ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’. A film so breathtakingly awful that I now have a legitimate reason to pray for their downfall, both economically and medically.


So what could possibly be so bad about ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ to have every critic in the land reaching for their hyperbolic phrase book? First there’s the ‘Shaun of The Dead’ factor. This film isn’t ‘Shaun of The Dead’. Unfortunately it wants to be. The little one who looks like he should the centrepiece to a Gay-Goth-Gangbang (Mathew Horne) gets dumped by his girlfriend. He takes solace in the one that eats too much and exercises too little (James Corden), a grosser version of Ed who seems to be even more selfish and more obsessed with vagina. Then weird supernatural stuff happens and the unlikely duo seem to be the only people to save everyone.

Even the stylistic flourishes by the director are sub-Edgar Wright (so therefore sub-Sam Raimi) with shots speeded up, sound effects enhanced and cameras flying from left to right.
As for the script…I swear too much. I do. But never have I written a script that’s sole basis for humour was the words fuck or shit (I have, however, written ‘reviews’ whose sole basis for humour was the words fuck and shit). In fact so abhorrent did I find the poor use of cuss words I’ve taken a leave from potty mouthed-ness until I see someone swearing correctly.

I can just about handle a comedy that isn’t funny, if the plot is interesting. A horror doesn’t need to scare me to work, in fact I prefer it if horrors aren’t scary at all. But a film with lesbians in the title better have a lot of lesbians in it. Truth be told I’ve kissed more people of the same sex then the characters in this film. And I’m pretty much straight.

I’m not looking for wrist-deep scenes where the actresses lose their watches but some boob touching or heavy petting seems a prerequisite. ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ has nowhere near enough lesbianism and should therefore not be watched by anyone ever. I think this is the main problem other ‘film critics’ had with the film too.