Maybe its because I’m always deliriously tired when The Oscars finishes (5 in the morning without alcohol or the promise of sexual intercourse just seems strange) but regardless of what I said here, I bloody love the Oscars.
From start to finish I’m usually on the verge of tears, I gut laugh at all the bad jokes and, this year in particular, I toe-tapped along to all the musical numbers. I also get a lovely smug sense of satisfaction when my predictions come true (6 out of 7 for all the major awards ain’t bad).
So now that the champagne glasses have been cleared away, the speeches written on napkins thrown in the bin and the dresses left in a crumpled heap on a producer’s floor (never a writer’s floor, unless the starlet is really, really drunk) it’s time for a rundown of the highpoints and lowpoints of the 81st Academy Awards.
Danny Boyle accepts the Best Director award for ‘Slumdog Millionaire’
“I Am Wolverine!”
When it was first announced that Weapon X was to present this years ceremony I was one of the many letting out a substantial Huh?! But as I’m an open-minded kind of guy I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and keep the naysaying to a minimum. Well I’m glad I did because otherwise I’d be eating a plethora of words right about now. He was funny, can belt out a number and, due to the high level of bum-kissing that he’s contractually obliged to do, kept the sycophancy to a minimum. Oh and he’s the luckiest bugger in the world for being able to get this close to Anne Hathaway.
“Your Shit Smells So Lovely”
Even though Hugh managed to keep the brown-nosing down, the Oscars wouldn’t be the Oscars wihout some outrageous backslapping. This year each of the acting nods was given its own 30 second tonguing by a previous winner. So we were treated to Marion Cotillard telling Kate Winslet she was the equivalent of the acting world’s Mother Theresa and Adrien Brody informing Richard Jenkins that he ‘googled’ him and found out he’s made a lot of films. Foolishly reminding everyone that before ‘Snow Dogs’ Cuba Gooding Jr was a winner also seemed like a mistake but some reasonably funny banter about Robert Downey Jr stealing the ‘black man’s’ job raised a smile.
“You commie, homo-loving, sons-of-guns”
In the best speech category Sean Penn walked away with it. Looking slightly guilty about pipping his good friend Mickey to the Best Actor award, Sean was humble, self deprecating and moving enough without being preachy. He also got the best introduction from Bobby DeNiro reminding the world that he was once Jeff Spicoli. And in my mind always will be. The rest of the speeches were combinations of ‘Thanks Mum’ and ‘Never Stop Dreaming’ platitudes that send my top lip a quivering. Thank God I watched this ceremony on my own so nobody will know how much I wept.
“You look fabulous, Darling”
For the first time in a while I had no lady friend present to tell me who looked good and who looked like a dog had regurgitated his kidney onto them. But I would be incredibly amiss to not mention my beloved Natalie Portman who looked great in some dress by some person. Kate Winslet was the epitome of classical beauty with a hairdo that I’m not nearly gay enough to describe but can say it looked good. And Anne Hathaway also looked, er, good. I’ll have that Ryan Seacrest’s job in no time. “Hey bitch, you look hot, see you later”.
“That’s all folks”
Thats about it really. I’m not gonna go into the travesties of who won what, and why they didn’t deserve it. Below is a list of winners so you can do that yourself. I will just say that the clips of Wall-E and its win in Animation were enough to keep me going til the wee hours. Only 365 days to go til the next one. Chances of me getting my script made for that one are slim but tune in between 2011 and 2080 and you’ll see my beardy face picking up a statue. For sure.
Full List Of Winners
Best Motion Picture of the Year
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Christian Colson
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Sean Penn for Milk (2008/I)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Kate Winslet for The Reader (2008)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight (2008)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Penélope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
Best Achievement in Directing
Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Milk (2008/I): Dustin Lance Black
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Simon Beaufoy
Best Achievement in Cinematography
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Anthony Dod Mantle
Best Achievement in Editing
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Chris Dickens
Best Achievement in Art Direction
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008): Donald Graham Burt, Victor J. Zolfo
Best Achievement in Costume Design
The Duchess (2008): Michael O’Connor
Best Achievement in Makeup
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008): Greg Cannom
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): A.R. Rahman
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): A.R. Rahman, Sampooran Singh Gulzar(“Jai Ho”)
Best Achievement in Sound
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke, Resul Pookutty
Best Achievement in Sound Editing
The Dark Knight (2008): Richard King
Best Achievement in Visual Effects
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008): Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton, Craig Barron
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
WALL·E (2008): Andrew Stanton
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Best Documentary, Features
Man on Wire (2008): James Marsh, Simon Chinn
Best Documentary, Short Subjects
Smile Pinki (2008): Megan Mylan
Best Short Film, Animated
Maison en petits cubes, La (2008): Kunio Katô
Best Short Film, Live Action
Spielzeugland (2007): Jochen Alexander Freydank