Sherlock Holmes Review – Is That A Pipe In Your Pocket?

Madonna is the cause of 90% of homosexuality. Discuss. (If only college essays were like this.)

To begin with she’s the number one gay icon, surpassing even Miss Judy Garland. Her brother Christopher is homosexual. Recently her first husband won an Oscar for playing gay icon Harvey Milk. Lastly, the irrefutable, icing on the cake to my completely made-up and bullshit (please don’t write in and complain) argument, her latest ex-husband has made the gayest film since Brokeback Mountain.


And I for one say Hoo-bloody-ray. The Usual Suspects, Fight Club, Top Gun, all as homoerotic as the day is long and all the better for it.

So everybody knows the tale of Holmes and Watson, crime-solving duo, in turn of the century Lan-dan. Some naughty man does some weird shit that spooks everyone, Holmes shows everyone that it’s not magic but trickery. All’s well. If you’ve seen the trailer (full of explosions and slo-mo fighting) you’d be forgiven for thinking it looks like a steaming pile of poo.

But the trailer is actually quite misleading. For a start the fight scenes are done superbly well, much more about Holmes’ clever mind than his ripped body and the explosions and action, while not subtle, are well handled by a near unrecognisable turn behind the camera from Guy Ritchie.

While many purists may find themselves eating their deerstalkers at the idea of Yank Bobby Jr playing Brit-hero Sherlock Holmes, he’s perfect. His silly accent, his instant charm and his masked vulnerability actually add to Doyle’s creation. After all what’s the point of just copying what’s done before.

So how about the ‘gayness’ that I alluded to at the start? Quite frankly, it’s not enough. Holmes loves Watson, Watson loves Holmes. A couple of women turn up in the form of (the under-used) Rachel McAdams and Kelly Reilly – but we all now that as soon as the skirt is out of the room Watson is sucking on Holmes like he’s a lemon tree.

An entertaining, distracting and incredibly fun couple of hours. A sequel, while inevitable now judging by the box office, will be most welcome.

Let’s just hope Holmes and Watson actually boff in the next one.