The BAFTAs – Hurt Locker, Crap Jokes And Mickey Rourke

Like Nostradmus and George Orwell before me, I predicted, and events shaped themselves around my words of wisdom. With my BAFTAs drinking game (written coincidentally whilst under the influence of lighter fluid) I set out a checklist of things that vexed me about these particular awards – and lo and behold hardly any of them came true.


Now many will think that’s because my finger is firmly jammed up my butt-crack and not on the pulse, but actually the truth is Wossy and co. read my hilarious ‘article’ and had to change tack. Out were the jokes about John Terry and the BBC, in came ones about “3-D being like really real”. All thanks to me! Don’t believe me, how else do you explain the calibre of gags spewing forth from JR’s lips.


That’s not all though, I also predicted that BAFTA would reward our American Friends over the much more deserving British collective. What happens? The very British Carey Mulligan (I love her!) and the equally UK Colin Firth (I love him too!) win out as best actress and actor respectively. Upon reading my hilarious piece, the Acadamy met under cover of Adrien Brody’s nose and fixed the results to prove me wrong.

Nobody mentioned an Angelina Jolie adoption joke, nobody mentioned Haiti (although to be far they were ‘damned if they do, damned if they don’t’ with me on that one), I didn’t even hear an HIV/obesity/poverty/Down’s Syndrome/Illiteracy joke about Precious.

Thankfully, however we did see Mickey ‘Rocking’ Rourke asking the Stiff Upper Lipped audience whether they wanted him to “go bareback or wear a raincoat”. Ha! That the BBC left this little gem in, is either because they didn’t understand the connotation or the editors were still recovering from the Eastenders live episode. Either way it was the highlight of the evening. (Rumour has it, Carey Mulligan is now pregnant with Rourke’s baby having shared a stage with him for more than 10 seconds).

As for the big guns, Hurt Locker blew Avatar away taking Editing, Cinematography, Screenplay, Director, and most importantly, Best Film. The former being the much more grown-up film it didn’t stop the childishness of the cameramen shoving their steadicams in James Cameron’s face hoping to get some reaction of him losing to his ex-wife. The fact that they’re good friends and he has a combined box-office haul equivalent to our financial deficit should guarantee a fairly good night’s rest for Jim.


That The Hurt Locker exploded Avatar (enough of the bomb puns now) is no indication that the Oscars will go the same way. If they don’t though us Brits will have bragging rights about how we chose the worthy winners for a good year at least. And isn’t that what awards ceremonies are about?

When Owen Nicholls is not wondering why legendary cinematographer Jack Cardiff got two seconds of tribute whilst Patrick Swayze got ten, he edits and writes for All BAFTA results can be viewed there.