Like a crater-faced Tatooine farmboy staring at his biological father for the first time, the internet wailed and fell to its virtual knees. “That’s not true…That’s impossible” it cried out, hoping beyond hope that it was all some ruse, like Jeff Goldblum’s premature demise or the scurrilous rumour that some females aren’t attracted to guys in T-shirts adorned with the blueprints of the Death Star. It had to be a joke. It had to be. But throughout the day it slowly dawned on the faithful. It was true. It was possible. From now until the end of time, Ewoks will blink.
That the teddy bears from Return of the Jedi are now slightly worse at playing poker isn’t quite as devastating as knowing you once played tonsil hockey with your sister, but it does confirm one thing: George Lucas is certifiably insane. His tinkering with the films he created has got to point where he sits awake at night thinking, “You know what I’d like to do, I’d like to make them Ewoks blink. Can I do that now? With technology and stuff? I can! Then it is done. I will employ a team of people to make that happen and the world will love me.” And he does. And no-one tells him differently. No-one tells him to stop. That it’s over. That he wrapped on the original trilogy 29 cocking years ago and he should leave it the fuck alone.
But as hardcore fans call for a Blu-Ray boycott, hoping that the dollar stoppage will ultimatly cause him to listen (clue: it won’t), we’ve given up. We’ve crossed over to the dark side. Fear and anger has taken its toll. If we can’t beat him, we’ll join him. Master, here are five more changes we can’t wait to see.
Princess Leia’s erect nipples
Why are the Ewok’s eyes the first thing Lucas thinks of when it comes to Star Wars character’s anatomy? He only gave us two notable female forms in over 9 hours of film (unless you have a thing for motherly types in Aunt Beru or Mon Mothma), so why not tinker with their goods? While he dressed poor Natalie Portman in the most ludicrous outfits imaginable there’s always a way of CGI-ing a more acceptable wardrobe malfunction/catastrophe. As an added incentive for the money-grabbing-Lucas, geeks would wear out their copies in months. Three cheers for built-in obsolescence. Plus, getting Carrie Fisher to show through that gold bikini would really promote the skills of the ILM crew. Win Win.
That’s no Moon, it’s Maroon 5!
Classical music is so 1970s. If Lucas really wants to get down with the kids he needs to fix that boring score. Swelling violins may be okay for the cassette tape generation, but the iPod age needs recognisable artists banging out tunes. Imagine ‘She Will Be Loved’ by Maroon 5 playing as Han gets frozen in carbonite. You love it. I know. We also suggest an updating of the soundtrack every year or so. Perhaps part of the prize for winning The X-Factor is you get to sing over the credits! Bill Murray has already written some cracking words.
A family of Jar Jars
When Simon Pegg said Jar Jar makes the Ewoks look like Shaft everyone missed the fact that Pegg hated the Samuel L. Jackson remake of which he was actually referring. Jar Jar Binks is the best thing about all the Star Wars movies put together. Hell, without his success in Episode I we may not even have been given the other 5 films. Lucas should have stuck to his guns and instead of relegating him to a minor role in II and III he should have promoted him throughout the saga. He should have been, drumroll please, Vader’s actual son. Imagine the twist of Empire Strikes Back now. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.
Of course Greedo shot first, Han’s a good guy. He’s just mistaken for a scoundrel and a smuggler. We need more of his backstory. Perhaps insert some shots of Harrison Ford feeding orphans and saving kittens from trees. While we’re at it, the blowing up of the Death Star is a bit violent isn’t it? From now on Episodes IV and VI should end with a strongly worded missive to all those involved. How about before using violence as a solution a trade blockade or something equally political and in no way fun could be sanctioned instead. Oh. Right.
Howard The Duck
Howard the Duck should be in every frame of Star Wars. That is all. Blinking Ewoks and Vader screaming like a forlorn Bieber fan don’t seem so bad any more do they? Do they?!! DO THEY?!?!!?!
Now it’s your turn, tell Uncle Owen what you’d like to see changed in the Star Warsuniverse and we’ll send your ideas to George. Along with a big bag of the finest temazepam money can buy.