The Oscars 2010 – More Fun Than Wanking Into A Sock

Get the coffee pot on (It’s a 2AM start), get the tissues out (if you really, really like Gabourey Sibide) and settle yourself down, for this Sunday is another night of Oscary goodness.


Love ’em or loathe ’em (I place myself firmly in both camps), The Academy Awards are where cinema history is written. They are how we can categorically know that Forrest Gump was better than Pulp Fiction, that Crash is better than Brokeback Mountain and that Se7en deserves absolutely no recognition whatsoever. You guys can read sarcasm, right?


And this is why many people loathe the awards, because every single year the Academy gets something wrong. And I don’t just mean their opinion differs from mine (that’s why I invented ‘The Onnies’!) but they make choices that are proven bullshit by perspective, sometimes as little as a months worth.

Chicago, Crash, Shakespeare In Love to name just a decade of unworthy winners. How many of the Best Picture films actually set a precedent of how a movie should be made or step cinema up to the next level? Even when they do pick a worthy winner like No Country For Old Men it’s at the expense of something equally orgasmic as There Will Be Blood or Wall-E (2008 -a good year for movies).

Which leads to the question ‘Can Oscar ever get it right?’. Of course they can’t. There will always be some geeky spunk monkey leading the charge of “How dare they honour a film as offensive as The Blind Side?” And if I’m not that geeky spunk monkey I’ll certainly be closely following them. So what is there to enjoy in the 3 and 1/2 hour ceremony apart from pretty dresses and the wrong backs being slapped?

As wrong as they can be with the winners they’re usually equally wrong with the hosts. And vice-versa. This year sees Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin co-hosting. I’m sitting firmly with the fencepole up my buttcrack on this one. Both can be funny and in my short lifetime I’ve never seen a dual hosting so at the very least I’m intrigued. Hopefully they’ll remember that in these ‘poverty stricken times’ that the viewers at home like to see the ‘Stars’ shat on with comedy gold. Preferably from a great height.

If you are a geeky, spunk monkey/fencepost up the backside fool, like me, you’ll have spent the past few months jotting down every front-runner and will have a pretty good clue whose gonna win. If you aren’t and haven’t consider a hat belonging to me being chomped for every one of these that doesn’t come true…


Best Picture – Avatar
Best Director – Katheryn Bigelow
Best Actor – Jeff Bridges
Best Actress – Sandra Bullock
Best Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz
Best Supporting Actress – Mo’Nique

If you’ve reached the end of my nonsensical ramblings you may be wondering why I’m planning on wasting a night viewing the smugfest that I seem to detest when I could be spending my time doing something I love, like wanking into a sock. The reason is clear, because while I may disagree with absolutely everything that happens, It’s The Oscars!

Still not a patch on ‘The Onnies’. Vote now…

When Owen Nicholls is not promoting his other website and awards ceremony, he edits and writes for Yes, that was another promotion