‘Transfomers: Revenge Of The Fallen’ – Designed With 14-Year Old Boys In Mind

Many moons ago, during a period of awesome creativity, I described Michael Bay movies as ‘Anti-Nurofen’. I liked this off-the-cuff comment so much it would often be repeated ad nauseum to anyone who’d listen. While admittedly, it’s not as clever or as funny as I think it is, it does have a point. Anyone who suffers from cerebral sensitivity should stay well clear of ‘Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen’. Optimus and co are back, with a helluva bang.

Kicking off shortly after the original, ‘Revenge of The Fallen’ does exactly what it says on the tin. Goodie Autobots (Optimus, Bumblebee, etc) are still at war with the Baddie Decepticons (Megatron, Starscream, etc) who are helped considerably in their pursuit of world domination by the arrival of the king of the Decepticons, named The Fallen. He wants revenge. See below to see what ensues when robots battle.


If it were just a case of Transformers battling it out then you’d probably need to take an analgesic the size of Optimus just to get through the first reel. Thankfully the Witwickies are back, in the form of hero Sam (Shia The Beef) and his parents. I was under the delusion that this sequel may try the ‘darker is better’ approach. But within two seconds of the parents making life uncomfortable for their only son, these doubts were quickly quashed. As are the doubts that a Michael Bay film can’t have funny dialogue. Sure, most of the jokes are base but they work.

As do the majority of the fight scenes. Effects-wise they are nothing short of spectacular. As for following who’s fighting who or who’s winning you’d need to be much more attentive than me to figure that out. And yet again the robots get as much characterisation as Megan Fox’s cleavage. It’s taken as given we want Optimus and his mates to win. Don’t go looking for any deeper meaning in anyone’s actions as you won’t find it amongst the crashing and crunching of metal on metal.

Every single frame is designed specifically with 14-year old boys in mind and this doesn’t end at the bang, bang, boom, boom. In a film where Megan Fox is the paradigm of virtue, it’d be fair to say this isn’t a film for feminists. As fetishised as the robots, women get a truly bum rap in any Bay world, but never have I seen a film that portrays anything with a vagina quite as insatiable for cock as the girls in this movie. As for Megan herself, I’m unsure whether Bay thinks he’s her director or her gynaecologist.

That said, the actress herself is often quoted as saying Transformers “is what it is”. So lets not get carried away thinking this is exploitation, it’s just stupid. So forget the brain, switch off pain receptors and go and enjoy two-and-a-half hours of fun. Oh, and if you want to know who the real king of the robots is click here.