With ‘Terminator Salvation’ making a buck or two, ‘Transfomers: Revenge of The Fallen’ ready to do the same this weekend (a review will be on the site by week’s end), and ‘Surrogates’ being another film about robots, I was wondering: Who is the best of all the movie robots? There’s only one way to find out. FIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHT!!!!
The rules. Take eight robots, put them in a pub car park and draw a circle in chalk. A fight to the death, with a simple knock-out system – and voila, the first of many fodder pieces I can write when my imagination is at its lowest (Just think, Movie Alien Wars, Movie Hooker Wars, the possibilities are endless). So without further ado, the quarter- finals!
T-800 Vs Johnny Five
The opening match is as one sided as a dice with only one side. The T-800 (in full badass T1 mode) will stop at nothing to rip the binocular eyes from off the inferior WALL-E’s head. Steve Guttenberg can only watch and cry as Johnny Five is very much not alive.
WALL-E Vs Deckard
Speaking of WALL-E (who is in no way whatsoever a rip-off of Johnny Five), here he comes up against Blade Runner’s Deckard. Quickly grabbing the replicant’s balls in his vice-like grip, WALL-E takes an early lead. But as soon as the fight starts, the judge bans Deckard for not actually being a robot but more of an organic, synthetic human type thing. WALL-E makes him a little unicorn out of foil to cheer him up.
MARVIN – The Paranoid Android Vs ED-209
Both grey, both bowl-headed, but only one can win. The ED-209, or Eddy to his mates, gives the most depressive robot in the galaxy his standard 20 seconds to comply. Marvin uses this time to read some Camus and listen to the complete works of Radiohead. Bad move. Just as Eddy is firing up his artillery, Marvin takes his own life by jumping into a bath with a toaster.
MEGATRON VS R2D2
Yet another mis-match sees the most deceptive of the decepticons ruin the gay one from Star Wars’s mate in a most despicable way. As C3PO camps it up from the sidelines, Megatron rips R2 to nuts and bolts leaving just a shivering midget, crapping himself on the floor. Some spectators think R2-D2 should have flown away, but R2D2 CANNOT FLY!
T-800 VS WALL-E
Having torn Johnny Five a new one in the first round the T-800 underestimates WALL-E’s subtle genius and agrees to sit down and watch an old video his opponent has found on his little iPod. The video in question is ‘T3: Rise Of The Machines’. The Governator looks upon the small screen and witnesses the horror of a latter him uttering the line “Talk to da hand”. He responds “I know now why you cry” and self-terminates.
MEGATRON VS ED-209
The battle of the stop-motion vs CGI. While Megatron has the slick shiny movement, ED packs a whole heap of firepower. Sadly ED makes the same mistake as the quarter finals and gives Megatron his complementary 20 seconds. The dastardly anti-Autobot only needs 10. His arm-mounted fusion cannon (yeah I looked it up on Wikipedia) blows a whole in ED bigger than the budget for ‘Revenge of The Fallen’.
WALL-E Vs MEGATRON
At 500 times the size of the Waste Allocated Load Lifter-Earth Class the bookmakers stop taking any more bets on Megatron’s inevitable victory. As Wall-E shakes adorably under the hulking mass of metal, all seems lost for the world’s cutest compactor. Suddenly out of nowhere EVE, WALL-E’s girlfriend, arrives. Strapped with an arm-mounted fusion cannon all of her own, EVE blasts Megatron into Mega-pieces.
In a result more controversial than the Iranian elections, WALL-E is declared the MOVIE ROBOT WARS CHAMPION! He and EVE celebrate by dancing and holding hands and really cute stuff that makes me cry.
Oh and if you don’t like the result you can kiss my shiny metal ass. Or comment below.