Wolves, Wizards And ‘Geek Spank Fodder’ – 5 Films You Need To See This Summer

I’ve got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this heat dies off. She’ll be a summery girl. She’ll have hair. She’ll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She’ll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I’ll ditch her, because she’s my summer girl!


Until this happens though, I’ll just watch lots of summer films, get extremely hyped about them and then be massively disappointed (kinda like I would if I got a summer girl). So follow me in a preview of all the biggest films that go bang and kaboomy and that will probably lack any artistic merit but will make you go OOoohhh and AAaahhh for an hour or two. And there ain’t nowt wrong with that.


First out of the blocks is Weapon X, Logan, Huge Jackman. Despite a leak from 20th Century Fox (or maybe because of the leak) the first of several planned X-Men Origins films is getting a lot of press attention. Early word is that the film kicks much ass and actually has a bit of emotional punch to it too. And it has the added bonus of geeky fans playing the game of ‘hole-picking’ by seeing why people don’t recognise certain other people at the start of the first X-Men film. I would imagine that the studio, director and star have been very careful about this and, hopefully, the only noise coming from the Adamantium faithful will be the sound of snickety, snickety snitch.


Star Trek
Next up is the ‘re-imagining’ of the Trek Universe by geek spank fodder JJ Abrams. Having never seen a single frame of ‘Lost’, ‘Alias’, ‘Fringe’ or any other one-word titled programmes by the speccy auteur my excitement of this is limited by only knowing him by his disappointingly average film output (‘MI3’ being the average one and ‘Cloverfield’ being the disappointing one). Yet judging by the action-packed trailer (see below) ‘Star Trek’ (Is that what they’re calling it? just ‘Star Trek’, not ‘The Beginning’ or ‘The Genesis’? Lazy) this could be a perfectly acceptable way to hide from the sunshine. (And yes, I know he only produced ‘Cloverfield’ – please don’t comment on my film knowledge, just comment on my bad writing style).


Terminator: Salvation
McG!!!! Mc ‘Fucking’ G!!!! The man who thought it might be a good idea to try and remake ‘Spaced’ is holding the ‘Terminator’ franchise in his hands. Woe is us. Its the end of the world. Well, yes and no. Because thanks to that wonderful audio clip of Christian Bale throwing a shit-fit its becoming quite clear that M.C.G may not have as much creative control as we hope he doesn’t (is that a sentence?). And Bale’s involvement stretches much further than just shouting “Good For Yoooooouuuuuuu” at lighting techs, as the trailer below suggests. As always, he’s thrown himself into his role – and whenever this happens (i.e. every film he’s ever been in) you will at least get some enjoyment from watching him go berserker. Three cheers for Bale!


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Everything about this next step in Michael Bay’s mission to C4 the world screams darker, edgier, Empire Strikes Back. I hope I’m proved wrong, but this upsets me somewhat, as the first outing was just the most enjoyable bit of silly fun in years. Shia nailed the every-geek (why is everything geek or geeky? why do you keep commenting on your own writing?) that wins the heart of ‘Megan Last-name-like-nature’, and, thankfully, he’s back along with the parents – and everybody’s favourite Secret Service man, John Turturro. As long as the gag quota is as high as the first one I’ll be sitting front row centre.


Harry Potter And The Big Bag Of Wank
That’s probably not the official title, but I thought I best mention that there is a new Harry Potter film out, as it’ll be one of the biggest movies of the summer. I’m going to do my best to avoid this latest instalment because I simply can’t follow these films (the news that this wasn’t going to be released in my ‘Year of Movies’ was one that I celebrated with the same amount of joy as if I’d just been blown by Hermione). The books may be ‘on a par with Shakespeare’ but as I’m illiterate and don’t read I can’t follow these films without stopping whomever I’m with to ask “Who’s that?” “Why did they do that?” or “So, is he a wizard then?”. And nobody needs that in a crowded auditorium with young children armed with spiky wands.