Also: Ed Sheeran is the final insult
Well, we all make mistakes, don’t we? Everyone fails. We all get it wrong sometimes. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I think people are allowed to say a dumb thing every now and then because otherwise we all have to live up to the unrealistically high expectations we set of people in the public eye, which is fine as long as you’re absolutely certain that you’ve never ever done or said a crass or potentially offensive thing, by accident or otherwise, which I cannot commit to. Readers, it’s time again to look at The Week’s Winners And Losers.
Greta Thunberg is too young to have made many mistakes, but one thing’s certain: she is absolutely killing it right now. And by “killing it”, I do mean trying to save us all from certain destruction. The 16-year-old climate change activist, the toast of the Extinction Rebellion protest, now has a book deal to her name: No One Is Too Small to Make a Difference, a collection of 11 of her speeches, will be released next month. Some old blokes on Twitter don’t like her, which is usually a sign you’re doing something right. No wonder they’re at loggerheads with a climate change activist: those guys emit more hot CO2 than a Boeing 747.
It’s also been a wild week for the actor Lily Collins, who revealed in a Guardian interview that she prepared for her role in the upcoming Ted Bundy biopic, the wordily titled Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil And Vile, by communing with the ghosts of his victims. Now, in a rare sign of allegiance with social media outrage, I actually think that movie looks pretty gross, but I can certainly get on board with Lily Collins crowdsourcing her role from beyond the grave.
My partner’s mum is a medium (I joined her circle once and my Granddad came through, which was nice because I hadn’t seen him for a while) and I too have found the dead to be less frightening than strangers on the internet. “I didn’t feel scared,” Collins said. “I felt supported. I felt like people were saying: ‘We’re here listening. We’re here to support. Thank you for telling the story.’” In terms of fending off criticism that your film’s insensitive, that’s a bit like saying your girlfriend goes to another school, which is why no-one’s ever met her.
The Taylor Swift backlash rolls on; the reviews of ‘ME!’, her new musical theatre kid-pleasing single with Panic! At The Disco’s Brendan Urie, have been less than glowing. Personally I think of Tay the way some people think of the melting polar ice caps: reassuringly far away. I actually thought the song was fine – catchy, sugary, lights your synapses like a Christmas tree. For about four minutes I was a like a kid glued to ‘Baby Shark’: the real world receded and I thought sagely to myself: Eeh-eeh-eeh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. When it comes to drowning out the 24/7 news cycle, it’s a mantra as good as any, I suppose.
Similarly, the people have spoken out against Sonic the Hedgehog; it was deemed that he looks too human in the first trailer from his new movie. This is the second time that new Sonic has appeared in the Week’s Winners And Losers, making him the column’s first returning hero. “Sonic’s appearance looks horrible,” wrote one tweeter. People didn’t like Sonic’s teeth, and considered them to be too perfectly human. What I would say is: if a hedgehog has nicer teeth than you, that’s your problem, not the ‘hog’s. This is broken Britain.
Why do people get so outraged about film adaptations and remakes? If you don’t like it, make your own Sonic movie. You can shoot a film on an iPhone nowadays. Hedgehogs are free. To be ill-advisedly sincere about a really fast cartoon hedgehog: the point of films and creativity is that they represent your personal interpretation of something. Put 10 people in front of a painting and they will all see a different picture. Creativity by committee is foolhardy because you’ll never please everyone. End transmission.
I’ve got the kind of hangover where you wake up laughing and by the end of the day it feels like your body’s held together by sawdust and glue, so let’s keep this brief. Ed Sheeran and Frank Sinatra are the most popular artists at funerals now, apparently: a new poll has revealed the dead love ‘My Way’ and Ed’s track ‘Supermarket Flowers’. Good for Ed and Frank: bad news for everyone left behind on this mortal hellscape. Listen: if you play either at my funeral I’m coming back to give you a piece of my mind – and I’m doing it via Lily Collins.