‘Big Mouth’: Maury the Hormone Monster’s filthiest lines

The show's most sex-obsessed beast has an arsenal of dirty quotes

Big Mouth might just be the filthiest TV show around right now and most of that is down to a certain character called Maury, the original Big Mouth Hormone Monster. He’s a big, hairy creature that follows the boys around, spurring them on to watch porn, jack off, and do embarrassing things in front of the girls they like. Almost every line out of his mouth is twisted in some form, but here are some of his most perviest moments.

“Grey, round, and ready to pound”

When Andrew tries to quell the Hormone Monster’s incessant stream of horniness, he goes to a tried and tested move – thinking about his grandma. Unfortunately, it takes more than that to stop Maury, who declared the elderly matriarch “grey, round, and ready to pound”.

“Well, well, well, a hole – and at crotch level, no less. I want you boys to meet my fiancée Candace. She’s absolutely perfect. The only downside is the dick splinters”

You could bet that when Maury punched a hole in the wall, at “crotch level” or not, he would make it dirty. He went the extra mile, though, by drawing a woman’s body around the hole and turning her into his soon-to-be-wife. Nice.

“You ever actually fuck a tomato? It’s like fucking a sneeze”

As you might have gathered by watching even one minute of Big Mouth, Maury finds anything and everything sexual, as evidenced in the above question he asks Andrew. A conversation then follows where the teen tests Maury’s limits, in which he declares a button-up shirt to be the equivalent of “a gaping butthole and 10 clits”.

“We’re talking about eating pussy? Too bad you lost your womb broom”

A “womb broom”, in case you were wondering, is a moustache and Andrew had just removed his early beginnings of one in this episode.

“You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say, ‘Dinner is serrrrveedd’”

This disturbingly memorable line arrived when Jay enquired about how to get blowjobs without using the very morally-questionable ‘head-push’ move. Trust Maury to have a suitably in-your-face tactic to help the boys out…

“Now stare at that cat-shaped clock and massage your dinner”

When Nick and Andrew have a sleepover, the Hormone Monster makes an unwelcome appearance in the middle of the night to tell the latter to jack off over Nick’s cat clock. “His grandmother gave him that clock,” Andrew resists, but Maury isn’t fazed. “She knew what she was doing,” he smirks.

“Pretty soon I bet they’ll all be swinging together, just a big old fuck-and-suck. Maybe you can be the guy who jerks off in the corner. Every orgy needs a witness and baby wipes”

No, Maury wasn’t talking about settling down and watching porn or what might happen with the kids’ parents, but about the kids themselves. While visiting the Statue of Liberty. On a school field trip.

“Let’s watch McConaughey bang two meth heads at the rodeo and try not to think about AIDS”

While Andrew is busy worrying that Nick saw him jerking off, the Hormone Monster has more pressing things to think about – watching the sex scene from Dallas Buyers Club.

“Maybe we should pin him to the ground, jam it in his mouth – just sheer fucking degradation”

After Nick tries to help Andrew figure out if he’s gay or not by kissing him, Maury has a much more aggressive suggestion to get to the bottom of things. “I was just spitballing,” he shrugs quickly afterwards when Andrew says he’s not into it.

“Tell him to send a dick pic – girls love that, especially when it comes out of nowhere with zero context”

Clue: If you didn’t get it by now, the Hormone Monster gives the absolute worst advice that you shouldn’t follow ever.

Big Mouth Season 3 is on Netflix now.