What you missed when you didn’t watch ‘The X Factor’ this year

Nothing! You missed nothing!

Well, it’s finally over – not that you’ll have noticed. Just like last year, no bugger watched The X Factor 2017, though for absolute clarity it was won by some boyband called Rak-Su. Nah, us neither. Anyway, here’s everything you didn’t miss while you were out living your best life.

Low, low ratings!

Where The X Factor once hit the high notes, now it can achieve only a dour, depressing baritone, a maudlin swansong to its own overstayed presence on the screen. Yes, the finale was the least watched in the history of the competition (4.4 million people subjected themselves to its weary carnival of pain) but it’s been a shitshow from the start. The launch episode was the least watched since the first X Factor in 2004, when the concept was as shiny as the weird pointy shoes Simon Cowell insists on wearing with bootcuts.

Nicole made no sense

It is, luckily, unlikely that you ever came to The X Factor in search of nourishing drama and absorbing literature. Still, even in the days you watched the show, you probably didn’t expect to hear the kind of absolute bloody cobblers that comes out of Nicole Scherzinger’s mouth on the regular. You know on The Voice, when Will.i.am does that pseudo-intellectual thing where he babbles on about, say, M&M’s and then reveals it was a convoluted analogy to reveal he thinks contestants are tough on the outside but crispy in the middle (or something equally ridiculous)? Nicole tried to do that, but made even less sense.

In week three, the judge told Benji Matthews: “That was a tasty performance! You were like an ocean in there, you got in there, you rolled your sleeves up, you were feeling it, you took us with you, just a yummy hot mess.” Nicole, it’s obvious: you’re all at sea.

Danny bloody Lambo

There was a millionaire bellend called Danny Lambo on the show this year. He was the 2017 novelty act – the Jedward to your Wagner, the Christopher Maloney to whatever other useless dipshits have appeared on the competition. Lambo, a sort of gaudy Poundland Richard Branson, was presumably too dislikeable to be cast on Made In Chelsea. Onto The X Factor he came, then, professing his lust for Nicole (yawn!) and banging on about how rich he is. Lambo proudly claims to have the loudest car exhaust in the UK and it’s good he’s got something going for him, because he can’t fucking sing.

The rules didn’t make sense either!

Simon Cowell, hang your head in shame. Take a good look at your weird pointy shoes. The rules of the bossman’s show switched up this year, and precisely no-one knew what the score was (even host Dermot ‘Leary was muddled up at one point). Instead of getting the boot on Sundays, contestants now got the chop on both Saturday and Sunday – and each time it was the audience that put them in the danger zone. So what, exactly, was the point of judges Sharon Osborne, Louis Walsh, Scherzinger and Cowell? Oh, that’s right – so Nicole could share her bon mots.

It made people not like Little Mix

The X Factor­ is now eating up its own successful acts – a kind of light entertainment BSE. Little Mix have become critical and commercial darlings and Perrie, Jesy, Jade and Lee-Anne are, for sure, bullet-proof pop titans, yet Cowell’s gang managed to fuck this up, too. Fans were outragedoutraged! – at what they believed to be the band miming through a show that is quite literally about the ability to sing and dance well. The X Factor, you have brought a pox to the door of Little Mix, and for this you must pay.