So, Noel might sell the Oasis back catalogue? Here are a few ideas

The elder Gallagher has revealed that he may sell the rights to the tunes in 2025. Our columnist assesses the potential pitfalls

So, the elder Gallagher brother has hinted that he might join the likes of Bob Dylan, Stevie Nicks and Neil Young. How’s that? By considering the sale of his musical back catalogue – they’re all at it! Cashing in is 2021’s honest musical trend, with musical greats signing off the rights to their tunes left, right and centre in exchange for absolute megabucks. Dylan’s went for a reported “nine-figure deal”, while 50 per cent of Young’s apparently went for around £150 million.

In a recent interview with Apple Music, Noel explained: “The way that I look at it is I’ll be approaching 60, and it’s like, do I want to leave it to my kids, who’ll probably swap it for a fucking PlayStation game? Or do I get rid of it now and set everybody up for life?” Crunch time comes in 2025 for the Oasis tunes, apparently, so we thought we’d get in early and warn Noel what it might look like.

Song: ‘Digsy’s Dinner’

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Usage: A Dolmio lasagne advert. Those weird puppets all dancing to Liam singing about coming round for tea. The crossover causes a rip in the space time continuum and nothing is ever the same again.

Song: ‘Slide Away’

Usage: An advert for lube. A couple in their 60s lying in bed: the woman turns to the camera, ‘The menopause doesn’t have to pause your sex life, even when things have dried up naturally. I use Slide’n’Go when the moment takes me. We feel 25 now!’ The man smiles eerily at the camera.

Song: ‘Roll With It’

Usage: A Heinz tomato soup ad. Enough said.

Song: ‘The Importance Of Being Idle’

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Usage: A government campaign on getting active after the pandemic, or Couch to 5k advert. Rhys Ifans trying to get fit and telling you to start ordering Huel. You start to cry, thinking about him in Notting Hill, looking 10 years older than he does now. This is the future liberals want Noel! Do you really want to be a part of it?

Song: ‘Fuckin’ in the Bushes’

Usage: A soundtrack to an Adam Curtis documentary about dating during lockdowns.

Song: ‘Talk Tonight’

Usage: An advert for a broadband provider. A girl breaks up with her girlfriend at university and tries to Zoom her dad for consolation but the connection is rubbish and she continues crying. Then she switches to Mad Fer It broadband, and everything works perfectly. Her dad makes her a cup of tea through the screen. She’s over her break-up by the end of the ad.

Song: ‘D’You Know What I Mean?’

Usage: Arguably the worst one of all. I’ll have nightmares about this. The Tories are going to use this as their campaign music in the worst attempt at ‘Hello, fellow kids’ since Matt Hancock launched his own app. I can see it now, Michael Gove walking down the street, Richard Ashcroft-style, rhyming the policies and saying, ‘Vote for us! We’re one of you!’ Rees-Mogg trying to drink a pint with driving gloves on using just his elbows. Cameron, like a recurrent rash, being brought in as ‘the young one’ and wearing trainers with a suit. BRB I’m just looking up Music Law to see if there’s an Anti-Tory clause Noel can write in just for this.

Song: ‘She’s Electric’

Usage: A Prius ad, boasting about their green credentials and showing an image of a happy family bundling in wearing tie-dye as Liam sings ‘She’s got a family full of eccentrics’.

Song: ‘Live Forever’

Usage: The soundtrack to a documentary about cryogenic freezing

Talking about the motive behind his potential decision and inevitably becoming richer than God in the process, Noel said, “I’ve always wanted to buy a fucking 88 super yacht, and call it… You know, you see them in the sea, and it’s like ‘Ocean Breeze’.” He added, “I want to call mine ‘Mega Mega White Thing’” – a lyric from all-time banger ‘Born Slippy’ – “like the biggest fucking super yacht of all time.” I know the ever-humble Gallagher’s said this as a brag, but the thought of ‘Wonderwall’ soundtracking an advert about cement is bad enough without dragging Underworld into it.

Keep the songs, Noel – we’ll crowdfund your yacht for you. And we’re calling it Noelly McNoelface.

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