Pornhub’s ‘XXXmas’ Christmas album is very 2020. Other brands should follow (birthday) suit

'Tis the season to be silly. As the adult service has unveiled the contents of its stocking this year, how could other online stalwarts help us feel more festive?

On the eighth day of Christmas my stepdad sent to me, eight swingers fisting, seven doggers dogging, six wives a-rimming, FIVE TO-ORN RIIIINGS…

At least, I assume that’s how it goes. Yes, deck the halls with bowls of KY jelly, Pornhub have released their very first Christmas album, ‘XXXmas’, featuring rap and trap acts such as A$AP Ferg, Sukihana, Mila J and KenTheMan delivering the sort of lines that would make ‘WAP’ sound suitable for the One Show carol service. Needless to say Santa gets told, in no uncertain terms, whose chimney to slide down and which stockings to stuff with his North Pole.

It’s Widow Twankey gone OnlyFans (I’ll let you make your own Twankey joke there) and it’s a perfectly fitting gesture. Few other platforms have provided such a dedicated and supportive service during 2020, giving much-needed relief to millions of frustrated lock-ins around the world out of the sheer goodness of their genitals. It’s one of the few things Pornhub has in common with Captain Tom, besides the fact that, after a solid week of selfless slog, both require a walking frame.


It’s also an early sign that 2020 will, hopefully, be a very different sort of seasonal cash-in. The usual cascade of John Lewis mulch and tinsel-smothered Xmas covers albums seem particularly shallow, fake and grasping in a year when the most wonderful time was when Aldi finally restocked their own-brand gin.

Rather than indulge the usual traditionalist tat, it’s a year to celebrate the things that got us through the toughest year in living memory. Sit down Michael Ball; if anybody’s going to do a spangle-toothed Christmas album this year it should be Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, tap-dancing like Fred and Ginger through ‘Donald The Yam-Faced Sex Pest’ or ‘It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Osteoporosis’. In a gesture of transitional goodwill, they could even give Trump a guest track, a mumble rap number called ‘I Saw Mommy Committing Georgia Fraud’.

There’s never been a better year, for example, for lockdown saviours Netflix to put out a Christmas album, not just for the heart-warming sight of Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin making up with a harmonious (albeit remote) duet on ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You (Dead)’, but also as a festive pay-off to all the actors whose successful shows got cancelled this year: ‘Let It Glow!’, ‘Sabrina Baby’, ‘Ding Dong Kimmily On High’. And while Snoop Dogg is out there shaking his overpaid Xmas ass in the name of Just Eat, let’s also not forget the hardy drivers of Deliveroo and Amazon, who should all team up for a festive reworking of the Wham! classic: “Last Christmas, I brought you your cart, and the very next day, sub-minimum wage”.

This is the year for Marcus Rashford, Tim Burgess and Joe Wicks to lead a Zoom based NHS choir to the Christmas Number One spot. Perhaps, since their work is now almost complete, the scientists from Pzifer, AstraZeneca and Moderna could all get together to roll out a version of ‘Merry Christmas, Antibodies!” on Bill Gates’ new Brainchip Records.

Whatever emerges, Christmas 2020 should be a celebration of the people who’ve helped us endure this most horribilis of annuses, and not least that grand bordello of lockdown escapism, Pornhub. Altogether now: “Four rutting studs, three French milfs, two girls one cup, and a butt-pluuug in an orgyyyyy…

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