Musicians are forever banging on about sex, but they’re increasingly branching out into lovemaking toys too.
First up, Mel B revealed she was working on her own Lovehoney-style range, commenting: “I want them to be fun and upmarket”. To be fair, we’d kill for Spice Girls-branded condoms emblazoned with ‘Be a little bit wiser baby, put it on, put it on’, but you can’t help thinking a Mel B vibrator would be exactly the same as normal ones, except it syncs to your phone and immediately texts Piers Morgan afterwards to blab about what you’ve done.
Not to be outdone, Lily Allen is also allegedly working on her own range of marital aids. “Orgasms are important, ladies, and I feel the celeb sex toy market hasn’t been capitalised upon,” she said, sounding like she was in front of Siralan in The Apprentice boardroom, trying to justify why she’s been left with fifty boxes of “Trigger Bang”-branded double-ended dildos at the end of a task involving a pop-up shop in the Manchester Arndale.
But – like most things in life – Lily’s right, and we hope it opens the floodgates for more musician-endorsed sex accouterments. Considering Fat White Family recently regaled NME with tales of “getting rimmed on the floor of a five-star hotel” (while readers probably looked at the hygiene-averse troupe and thought: “You’d have to send a bloody canary down there first!”), surely they could hawk flavoured lube? What else? Kylie poppers? Matty Healy post-coital cigarettes? Morrissey douches? Ed Sheeran nipple-clamps because he gets on your tits?
Florence Welch could launch her range of love “machines”. Since the words “Featuring Sean Paul” improves anything (even ‘Brexit Featuring Sean Paul’ has a spirit-raising gaiety to it), we’d quite like an app where he becomes your sexual wingman. Basically, while you’re in the throes of ecstasy: “Yeah! That’s It! I’m close!”, he can pipe in, filling any silence with a few trademark “Bra-bang-bang’s!”. A cheaper Pitbull version would be available.
But as a cautionary tale to Lily, these predictably mostly-male musicians have already tried to break into the mucky market – with varying levels of success.
Mötley Crüe: dildos
Want to feel as respected and treasured as those groupies in The Dirt? Well, you could in 2016 when the self-styled most notoriously dangerous band in history released a range of eight vibrators, branded after their biggest hits, including the ‘Girls Girls Girls 10 Function Bullet Vibrator’, the ‘Too Fast For Love 10 Function Vibrator’ and the ‘Shout at the Devil 7 Function Vibrator’.
10 Functions?! If you’re being cruel, you might point out that Tommy Lee doesn’t even have 10 functions. Though considering how famously well-endowed the drummer is (seriously, his cock probably comes with its own Disneyland height chart), surprisingly these were mini fun-size “vibes”. The batteries in any ‘Kickstart My Heart’ one probably kept on fleetingly dying halfway through.
From giant dick-cannons that spunk out confetti to music videos released via actual porn sites, the Teutonic metal pervs are no strangers to X-rated moments. For 2009’s ‘Liebe Ist Für Alle Da’ album, they released a special edition for collectors which came with a treasure chest of handcuffs, lube and six phalluses apparently modelled on each of the band members. It’s currently going for $1000 on eBay, though the idea of second-hand sex toys is <puke emoji>.
Until some canny Dragon’s Den contestant comes up with “bummable holograms”, Motörhead’s range of sex-tools – which have included glass dildos, and a ‘War Pig’ vibrating wand – is probably the horniest posthumous tribute to a rock god, as you try to reach the big “ö”. With temperature-responsive glass that can be warmed or cooled before use, you can lie back and think of Lemmy.
Duran Duran: dildos
It wasn’t all yachts, supermodels and NSFW videos featuring topless pillow fights for ineffably glamorous ’80s electro-poppers Duran Duran – one of the band members also released a self-modelled dildo.
Before you get too excited and head to Amazon Prime, the member in question (in both senses) wasn’t one of the snack-like Taylors (drummer Roger Taylor and guitarist Andy Taylor – not related) or even Nick Rhodes (who seems so high maintenance, you’d probably have to buy his vibrator dinner first), but rather Warren Cuccurullo – who served as guitarist from 1986 to 2001.
He released his ‘Rock Rod’, billed as a “life-like, fully detailed rock & roll thrusting cock with robust scrotum”, via his website and adult stores in 2004. Footage of him and his doubtless robust scrotum (is there a Which? test?) in flagrante loiters on Pornhub.
Ghost: dildos and plugs
The mysterious Swedish band started selling dildos and butt-plugs in 2014. The ‘Ghost Phallos Mortuus Ritual Box Set’ thoughtfully came in different sizes from ‘Men’s Small’ to ‘Men’s Extra, Extra Large’, which makes it sound like you wouldn’t so much need poppers as an epidural to prepare. The Papa Emeritus dildo was modelled after leader Tobias Forge’s bishop-like alter ego and looked like a cross between something that might be used in The Exorcist and a novelty Pez Dispenser.
Lots of bands have released promotional condoms (see: Daft Punk’s one-time ‘Get Lucky’ range; Kiss Kondoms, which are creepily inked with an image of Gene Simmonds unfurled tongue), but X Factor runner ups JLS were the most ubiquitous with their 2010 Durex collab ‘Just Love Safe’ Extra Safe line, with each pack featuring the face of Marvin Humes et al. Apparently, the Aston Merrygold ones proved to be the biggest sellers. Beat that, other boybands – time to step up to the plate and release your own dental dams, BTS.
Dave Stewart: dildo and plectrum (?!)
Yes, the Eurythmic who wasn’t Annie Lennox designed a diamond encrusted ‘Little Steel Tonight’ dildo in 2009 which arrived with the bucket-of-ice water pricetag of £1,000. It also has a guitar plectrum (use your imagination) and is inscribed with the handwritten lyrics from his solo song ‘Let’s Do It Again’. Problem is, if you listen to the track, your boner has already called an Uber and your downstairs is drier than an unopened box of Alpen. Wet Dreams (Ain’t Made Of These).
Snoop Dogg: porn
In 2001, the Hustler film ‘Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle’ became the first hardcore porn film to enter the Billboard music video sales. Sadly, he didn’t follow it up with his own range of puppy-play dogg masks.
The Vibrators: vibrators
In 2011, 1970s punks The Vibrators finally caved into the inevitable merch opportunity and released their own line of – yep, you guessed it.
SOPHIE: prostate massager
In 2015, SOPHIE’s ‘Product’ album was available in a bundle which included a ‘silicon product’ (a prostate massager, in layman’s terms) which was described as ‘skin safe’, ‘odourless and tasteless’ and had her logo engraved on the side. Also, unlike a lot of these sex toys which look like the kind of things hairy metallers would display proudly in their living room waiting for people to coo, “That’s unusual! Let me Google how much it’s worth now! I hope you haven’t taken it out of its packaging!” with the rapt expressions of the martians in Toy Story, it looks practically heavy-duty/boringly-designed enough to actually use for its intended purpose.