TikTok has crept into our everyday lives like a silent and irritating assassin. From what I can gather it’s celebrity couples doing dances in an attempt to remain relevant and straight men playing pranks on their girlfriends that makes every straight woman scold herself for ever sleeping with one.
Then, this week, I saw that the internet was having a small meltdown over an ‘adult TikTok house’, a phenomenon where ‘content creators’ all live together and pool resources for their accounts (not a porn location, then, as the name suggests).
In this one, dubbed the ‘Honey House’, we meet an ‘e-com expert’ who’s always “crushing it”, a fitness trainer-slash-actor (who eats and reads a script while doing weights stood up) a couple of models slash fitness trainers, a brand strategy marketing guy and two mindset coaches. Two. One is mindset and meditation, the other mindset and motivation. I’m tired just watching the video.
The gang of 20-somethings participate in hilarious challenges and have millions of views on the app. I use the term ‘hilarious’ a bit like that colleague of yours who says, ‘Oh my God – that’s hilarious’ in response to an anecdote, all the while remaining stony-faced going through their emails. One of the house’s most popular videos sees each of them test how close they can get to an automatic car boot door opening in front of their faces.
I mean, each to their own during lockdown, I guess – I was so bored at one point that I decided to try and remember the middle names of everyone I’ve ever slept with. But I wouldn’t film it for you. Do people remember we’ve got Netflix now? Why does TikTok exist when we’ve got the best TV and all the films in the world? I know Tenet was weird but, hey, at least you’re ripping your hair out over it! A car boot!
I’d love to sit here and lay into people younger than me, but look at the fucking house they’re in – they’re doing something right. And by ‘right’, I mean something that earns them massive amounts out of money. If these guys are making enough cash to live just from telling other people to chill out but also get off their arse and do something, (I assume that’s a ‘meditation and motivation’ session?), who am I to criticise them?
The influencer market is saturated with their job titles, though, so I’ve brainstormed some new ones that I think I’ll try and make a living from.
Paid £40 for all-you-can eat eggs and bottomless mimosas and feeling sluggish halfway through? Have you taken enough photos? What are you wearing? With my Bottomless Brunch Package, I’ll not only guide you from which brunch to choose from (Does it even have a photo booth? Why are there no over-priced small plates? How many mirrors does the venue have?) but I’ll curate your presence throughout the meal. Tagging friends, soft-launching partners, living, laughing, loving. If you start to feel sick from the booze and you’ve still got an hour left, I’ll shout at you with an army-issue megaphone until you down the stuff to the very last drop. I charge £120 an hour.
Do you keep falling short of your goals? Not feeling great about yourself? Do you keep comparing yourself to your peers and your self esteem is suffering as a result? You need a Realism Coach. Someone to tell you the truth and bring you back down to Earth. Have you ever considered that you’re shit at achieving your goals because you can’t do them? They’re not attainable for you! You might not be as sharp as you thought. AIM LOWER. Your friends are all much more successful because they work harder. Simple as that. Everyone is born equal, but you’ve messed it up and there’s no going back. You are welcome. £140 an hour plus expenses.
Reality TV Fluffer
Need me to be a mindless fame-hungry character on your show? I’ll do it for a fraction of the price as long as I get the fashion contract with a brand that mistreats their workers afterwards. Rates vary.
Vegan Vibe Master
Veganism is good; there’s no doubt about it. But some vegan brands need help shifting that ‘hippie floaty lefty’ vibe, so let me take your brand and inject some mainstream shameless capitalism into it. Launching a meat-free milk? Call it Bitch Juice. Tell women to drink it and it’ll make them rude enough to get a pay rise at the office. Vegan burger van? Just whack a big aubergine emoji on the side and call it ‘Bulge’ – guys will come running. £2k consultancy fee per day.
A pianist, obviously.
Vote for whichever one you think I should pursue on my MySpace page – see you there, guys!