I’m a bit annoying on social media sometimes; we all are. We all have our own rules that we abide by, the things we’d never do (talking to the camera sincerely in my story, Kardashian-style filters, substituting liking dogs for having a personality) and the things we’d only do if we were really bored (Ask Me Anything, a food post).
I love food, but I’m not hugely interested in what you’ve just cooked (a jazzy restaurant I might want to go to is different), and it’s the same story with music. I love discovering new stuff; that’s why I listen to Lauren Laverne on BBC 6 Music every morning. But seeing a photo of an album cover or hearing a 15-second clip on your story is not going to make me listen to it.
Much less interesting, then, was watching everyone post their #spotifywrapped and expect people to care about what you listened to for the past year. But seeing as you’ve made us care, here’s what your most-listened-to artist for 2020 says about you…
You had a break-up in the early stage of lockdown one, or you wear a headband. Or both.
You’ve dimmed the lights, bought a nine quid disco light online and pretended to be in a club at least three times a week, grinding to ‘WAP’, which you’ve listened to 30,000 times. You have chosen wisely, this may have saved your sanity. (Side note: the first time we all hear that in a club, people will faint.)
You tell everyone you love Stormzy approximately every 13 minutes.
You’re not over your ex, and you’re still wearing ballet pumps and/or a flat cap. Keep listening to her, but organise a date, your friends are worried about you.
You wear frameless glasses and a worker’s jacket. You are an architect.
You live in constant hope that Alex and Alexa still secretly text and if they don’t get back together one day, it’ll break your heart. You saw Alex Turner by your house in lockdown once and spent the rest of the day trying to see him again only for your housemate to bump into him on the canal later that same day, which made you hate her irrationally for the next 24 hours. You write a weekly column for NME.
Snoop Dogg’s Just Eat Theme Tune
It’s in all of our heads 24/7, anyway, at least you had the guts to play it out loud. You’re not afraid of what others think of you. You own a lot of hats.
You have never felt sadness.
You tell women they don’t need to wear make-up at parties.
Mumford and Sons
You don’t know what all the fuss is about – Laurence Fox is the voice of reason.
She’s not coming back. Everyone is worried about you.
You love Christmas too much, but for 2020 we’ll let you off.
You volunteer for a charity three nights a week, but have never told anyone. Everyone always asks you how you get your hair so shiny, but you’ve never used any product on it. You have the exact change every time you go to the corner shop for milk and a can of Coke. You tip waiters on top of service charge. You’ve never sweated, or if you have, it only made you glow. You’re three minutes early for any occasion or appointment. With one look, you persuade people to change careers to the one they’ve always wanted to do. You write notes of encouragement to Liam Payne with a fountain pen given to you by Keith Richards, who you met in a pub and “just hit it off” with one night. You use fabric softener.
Don’t panic if I’ve got this spot on: all of these are scientifically proven in a court of law. Of course, as much as we all love streaming music, other streaming services are available (and a lot of them give the artists a bit more cash). If you’re listening to new or smaller artists, buy a bit of merch, or better yet – whisper it – go and see them live next year. That I want to see on your story.