Planning on marrying a mudman in a wedding dress made entirely of drugs? Not leaving until you’ve ridden the Arcadia spider like a bucking bronco? Intending to start a cult worshipping the shit emoji in the stone circle by hoisting a gigantic inflatable shit emoji above the ancient stones each day at dawn and sacrificing a portaloo to it?
Bloody part-timers. Glastonbury is the place to properly freak out, torch your comfort zone and do the sort of stuff you’d get sacked from NYC Downlow for. And while it’s fair to argue that the weirdest thing to do at Glastonbury is merely camp out in front of the Pyramid Stage when there’s so much insanity to belly-flop into elsewhere, here’s our choice of the ten most bizarre things to get up to onsite.
Become a voodoo zombie
Over in The Common, beside the luminous waterfall hiding The Cave bar, some bad juju goes down in the Back Of Beyond voodoo bar, where you can ingest the spirits of the ancients (well, Jagermeister), lie in a coffin and be painted up as the skeleton bloke out of Live And Let Die. All the better to go freak out the Sheeranites.
Get off on the pole-dancing robots
We’ve all been warned that robots will be taking over our jobs in the next few years, but surly the strippers are safe from the march of the machines? Not so – over in The Unfairground you can check out the pole-dancing robots at Jagz Kooner’s Acid Lounge, sleekly-moulded robo-babes with CCTV heads gyrating in your face while you tuck bitcoins into their cyberthongs. Who knows, this year they might even have a few sexy Daleks demanding that their dribbling punters “EJACULATE! EJA-CU-LAAAATE!”
At Glastonbury, people will conspire to do pretty much anything with their arse out. Hot yoga, protesting climate change, baking narcotic brownies, bagpiping, you name it. So head on up to the Green Fields, kick off the kecks and convince the keepers of the traditional craft implements to let you whittle your own wizard’s staff bare-buttocked to the sun, just as Odin intended.
Get your own show on Shangri-Hell International Television
Shangri-La’s annual themed dystopias are great to wander around and soak up as performers make Heaven, Hell, crumbling apocalyptic societies and despotic media dictatorships frighteningly real. But get fully involved and you can really lose yourself down the rabbit hole here. This year the area is being transformed into a Trash City, with a skyline of skyscrapers made from recycled rubbish from 2016’s festival, a huge Gas Tower pumping out audio-visual madness all night and Shangri-Hell International Television (SHITv) is tripling its output of debates, documentaries and activist programming. Hang around down here making yourself useful as an audience stooge for long enough and you’ll probably be taken in by the Shangri-elders and given your own show. Come on, it’s not like you could be worse than Piers Morgan.
Make a cucumber trumpet
In the Greenpeace area at 3pm on Friday, you are invited to attend the Vegetable Instrument Workshop, where you can fashion carrots, cucumbers, peppers and pumpkins into flutes, trumpets and pan-pipes all of which, we confidently predict, will sound like shit. Still, after enough MDMA it’ll be worth it just for the experience of eating music.
Go watch Gillian Anderson
The truth is out there, at the Speaker’s Forum at 3pm on Sunday. The truth about ‘A Manifesto For Women Everywhere’ rather than any juicy UFO disclosures mind, since that’s the topic of Gillian Anderson’s talk, but still plenty of reason to go and have the out-of-body experience of seeing Scully at Glastonbury.
Jump off a trawler ship dressed as a fish
The centrepiece of the Greenpeace field is a gigantic trawler ship featuring a seven metre sheer-drop slide which you can jump down, as long as you’re dressed as a guppy. Don’t worry, a couple of days at Glastonbury and you will somehow find yourself dressed as a guppy. Trust us.
Do karaoke with Power Rangers
The Wheel Of Four Tunes, if you can find it (it’s known to frequent the Sensation Seekers Stage in Bella’s Field across the weekend), consists of two men dressed as Power Rangers spinning a Wheel Of Fortune wheel to decide which of a bare handful of tunes they will sing at karaoke. For maximum headfuckery, go as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Have a gong bath
Recently the victim of an online phishing scam? House gone, savings sucked dry, left with just twenty-five pounds to your name? What you need sucke…, um, ‘sir/madam’ is a gong bath. Just lie back in a sheepskin ‘nest’ in the Healing Field as a gong guru cleanses your chakras by beating a massive handheld gong over your body. And after half an hour of slipping away into a Pink Floyd gig at Pompeii in 1972, why not give yourself a thorough good vibe enema on their cowbell bidet. We may have made that last bit up.
Take on the White Rabbit’s riddle
Up in The Park, the Rabbit Hole is Glastonbury’s epicentre of odd – punters queue up to crawl through the hidden tunnel into the wonky Wonderland of boxing ring stages, hot tubs and mushroom furnishings, gaining entrance to the hidden bar at the back by answering the White Rabbit’s riddle. Considering most people are too wankered to remember their date of birth by the time they get up there, it’s a miracle there’s anybody in there at all.