Which song describes you best?
“‘Mongoloid’ by Devo. It’s self-explanatory. Everyone says I look
like one in the morning.”
What is heaven?
“Having with an octopus. Can you imagine?! And also they’ve just
discovered that octopuses have a sense of humour, that they like to
play. They might be quite, erm, multi-dextrous. I could have eight
What is hell?
“Having with plankton. They wouldn’t be able to do much.”
What is your earliest memory?
“When I was five I had my sister in her vest and knickers and I put
pieces of cat food on different parts of her body. Then I got my
grandmother’s cat, which used to dribble a lot, and made it eat the
cat food from her top lip and other places.”
What’s your greatest fear?
“Learning how to play.”
Who is your all-time hero?
“Rommel, because he tried to Hitler, didn’t he? But Hitler had
him ed in the end.” (Er…James Brown got the sack for this, didn’t he? – Ed)
What’s the worst trouble you’ve been in?
“The time I worked in a mental home in Camberwell and I was
approached by this huge guy brandishing a butter knife who wanted to
escape, so I had to let him out and all the alarms went off. I had
no back-up so what was I to do?”
Who was the first love of your life?
“Derek Griffiths, that bloke from Playschool. He was there all the
What is your greatest talent?
“Manipulating drunk people.”
Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge? Why? And how?
“Father Christmas, for all the crap he’s brought me every year. I’d
put ‘Return To Sender’ on everything.”
What is your most treasured possession?
“My s. They’re little pigeon-shooting s, really. I like to
polish them now and again.”
What have you most regretted doing while drunk?
“Je ne regrette rien! Heh heh heh!”
What can you cook?
“Pigeon. I shot one at the studio last summer, and because they’re
quite a strong meat. I just plucked it, filleted it and cooked it in
a bit of red wine. It was good.”
What is the best piece of advice you’ve received?
“Back at the mental home, this woman asked me to come into her room
to look at her drawings but when I got in she held me down on the
floor and kept saying, ‘Keep farting! Keep farting!’ She wanted to
get off with me but kept repeating that instead.”
Can you read music?
If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
“Play darts, because I really like playing darts but I’m embarrassed
to let anyone know.”
If you had three wishes, what would they be?
“Die laughing, die drinking and dye clothing.”