Plus - U2 and the horse, chicken sex and apes playing keyboards for Peter Gabriel...

Fish are attracted to Mick Jagger.

Whole shoals of them.

Says The Star (June 20), “there’s nothing to beat playing classic tracks of Mick Jagger and co over the loud speakers to attract whole shoals.” Nothing except ZZ Top. ZZ Top “are also popular with inhabitants of the deep.”

The fish, Tabloid Hell believes, are attracted to the clumps of hair growing from the bands’ chins – their beards. When placed in the water, especially shallow water – maybe a little brook or a narrow stream or even a small lake or a little pond – the beards will take on the appearance of a clump of wild reeds. The fish will swim towards the reeds believing them to offer protection from a heavy downpour or larger fish or Alanis Morissette. Alanis Morissette scares them. Despite selling 28 million records to humans who like her and to some who probably don’t like her but are scared of their girlfriends who do even though they, in truth, don’t really either, Alanis won’t be playing many shows under water. She sends fish “swimming off in a panic”.

Which is ironic, as the Canadian chanteuse looks like a big smiling horse. And horses prefer sugarlumps to fish.

Being a horse, Alanis would do well to stay out of the way of U2. The Irish rock kings take horses into restaurants. The Star reports that they bought a big fancy saddle as a birthday present for their manager Paul McGuinness, and, rather than carry it into ‘The Park’ in New York, they bought a big thoroughbred beast to do the job for them. The horse scared diners in the restaurant, more used to seeing horses on the television where they are all six-eight inches tall, and sent them scattering. U2 probably laughed at this because being from Dublin, they are used to seeing horses close up, tied outside houses and using lifts as in the successful Dublin-set film ‘The Commitments’ which U2 probably watched. Horses can also be found in Newmarket and at Ascot where they race in return for large cash prizes and holidays abroad.

The Sun today reports that Peter Gabriel has been recording with 12 African apes. It seems the primates play keyboards. Which of course can’t be easy as apes fingers are very wide and keyboard keys are quite narrow. Unless of course they construct atonal but interesting chords simply by striking several keys at once.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3 am Girls today reveal that Ritchie Neville of Five cut his head and needed three stitches after a Jacuzzi accident. Ritchie, who has girls eyelashes and teeth like a big smiling horse – even though he is not Alanis Morissette and there is no evidence to suggest that fish don’t like him – slipped “while trying to get out of the hot tub and had to be tended by medics”.

Finally, Tabloid Hell has fallen in love. She’s called Theresa Cocozzo and she comes from Mechaniville near New York. She’s 92, though that is not really an issue at present.

Twice this summer, she has been arrested for sitting on her front porch shouting at passers-by.

Arresting officer Steve Barton explains that Theresa “sits on the front porch and howls obscenities at the people across the street.” [url=]

adds that, “She lets fly with a volley of curses aimed at neighbours and anyone who happens to walk by. She’s been doing it for a year.”

This week she was arrested again, spending two hours in Saratoga Jail until her son paid the $1,000 bail.

But Tabloid Hell is not alone in finding its spiritual other. A 16 year-old boy from South Africa could pay quite a price for going public with his love.

Police in the KwaMhlanga district in Mpumalang have arrested him for having sex with two hens.

The chickens died after the incident. accepts comments from animal lovers everywhere.