TABLOID HELL – SEPTEMBER 20 2001

Plus - Plucky Bob's rider demands, Mick Hucknall with no socks on and The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls with some famous people or other...

Bob The Builder is going out on the road.

The popular children’s entertainer and chart topper – who is in actuality a moulded plastic toy voiced by Neil Morrissey, the former frontman of Manchester indie stalwartsSmiths, but who left to pursue a comedy acting career – is planning to play in 65 arenas throughout the UK. He is, says The Sun (September 20) planning 16 shows for Wembley Arena alone and will pack in 500,000 fans throughout the autumn.

Tabloid

Hell has learnt the tour is a mistake. Bob wants to tour the country but in a building capacity. The moulded plastic toy, who incidentally is not real, feels he can bring a love of DIY and interior improvements to children in the way that popular family entertainers such as Carol Smillie, a popular entertainer in the UK, have done for their parents.

However, Bob is now considering calling off the tour so enraged is he at the thought of performing in front of an audience for cash money in sterling. “I’m fucking livid,” he was heard to say by someone who has never met him, “I only have two fucking songs – how long is that show going to last? I’ll have to sing them over and over and over again until those screaming fucking brats have their fill. I want a big fucking rider – a huge rider. I want several bottles of Jack Daniels and blue Doritos – the big bags. And I want warm towels. And whose fucking plan was this 16 fucking nights in Wembley Arena. Why not just play one big show in that Dome and be done with it. Fuck’s sake.”

Elsewhere, The Sun reports that Mick Hucknall, the incredibly wealthy but ginger self-proclaimed ‘singer’ from top rated singing act Simply Red, was seen buying melons with a woman. He was in west London and was not wearing socks, which is rather unbelievable as it was chilly enough for a big coat but not – in know-it-all Hucknall’s opinion – for adequate foot protection. He bought two melons and laughed when he did it, probably thinking about how he was having everyone on with the socks thing.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls, who are brilliant and popular with every one, especially really famous people, carry no Bob Geldof update today – which is remiss on their part. They do, however, prove that they are brilliant and popular with everyone, especially really famous people, as they are pictured with Jude Law and Sadie Frost who are really famous people

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