TABLOID HELL – SEPTEMBER 7 2001

Plus - the bizarre link between Martine McCutcheon and the Pixies, Nick Cave has a fag and the world gets set to turn to jelly...

Bob Builder is surging up the charts because women fancy him.

So says his alter ego, lanky comic adulterer Neil Morrissey. The Sun reports that Morrissey, who used to be lead singer with 80s indie icons The Smiths before becoming a comedy actor in such hits as ‘Men Behaving Badly’ and probably others, believes: “More people want to sleep with Bob than with David Beckham.”

will tell you he is an inanimate toy, without feelings or a soul and so incapable of reciprocating even basic feelings or in fact of controlling basic motor functions without some sort of human manipulation.

Morrissey should keep his ideas to himself. Or maybe go back to making mournful, guitar driven pieces of whimsy about walking in Northern English towns in the rain. Damn it.

The Sun also reports that Martine McCutcheon has got sick again. Martine, who used to be an actress in a popular soap opera such as ‘Eastenders’ before becoming a failed pop singer scoring several minor hits, has been making her living of late starring as Eliza Doolittle in the London stage musical based on a the story of a woman living her life by edicts set down in an album written by influential late 80s American surf-punk nosieniks the Pixies.

After getting ill some time ago, she has decided to get ill again and in so doing has become ill. There is no guarantee of when she will stop being ill.

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today report that Nick Cave was spotted drinking coffee in a cafe and seemed about to light a cigarette.

Finally, scientists are warning that due to some strange vacuum flip that the universe could shift into at any time, all light and mass will turn to jelly. It’s to do with light photons and such like.

Email Tabloidhell@nme.com. Or click here for real hot lovin’.