TABLOID HELL – OCTOBER 27 2001

Plus - The angry aftermath, Hairy Gelliwell joins the Girl Guides and some bollocks about a motorised sofa...

Bob The Builder’s showdown with a love rival has been averted.

Les Dennis, famous in the UK for being host of a long running family gameshow and doing impressions of a woman who used to be on Coronation Street, had hoped to release a single in time for Christmas. It would have put him head to head with Bob, who shares an alter ego with television comedy actor and former frontman of popular 80s northern indie merchants The Smiths, Neil Morrissey. Bob reportedly had an affair with Les’ wife, who is married to Les, and the two men had obviously hoped a chart face-off would prove which man could spend the rest of their lives with the woman still married to Les. The Sun (October 26) today reports that Les’ single ‘Diddleysquat’ has been pulled because it is “inappropriate.” Tabloid Hell has learned that Bob, a fully qualified City and Guilds plasterer and very popular with children, is pink with rage over what he sees as Les’ cowardice. “Bob went fucking mental,” a teacher reports. “When he heard Les wouldn’t release the single he said to me ‘That fucking little bastard. I work my fucking arse off, doing at least two houses a day, sometimes doing the odd job in the evening for next to fucking nothing – have you ever tried plastering the fucking roof on a porch in a new house – and then into the bastard recording studio or some damp, God fucking awful rehearsal space to learn these bloody songs and that fucker won’t even face me in a chart stand off. He’s fucking scared, that’s what he is. He’s knows I’m going straight to the top of the chart and he’ll be fucking nowhere. Does he know how many nights I’ve sold out at Wembley Arena. Does he fucking realise who I am? And while we’re here, who was the smart fucker who added 13 more fucking dates to my British tour. Am I not playing enough fucking nights already?'”

, which she isn’t anymore because she is a successful solo artist, she used to tell the others that they should join. We’re not sure if you are aware, but Hairy has been shrinking of late and has now turned herself into a seven-year-old girl. And like many seven-year-old girls she’s really looking forward to skipping and playing hopscotch and such like. We’re also fairly confident she’ll get a badge for yoga quite soon.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that television presenter Henry Kelly was spotted weaving through London traffic on a motorised cream sofa. This is not a joke.

Click here Tabloidhell@nme.com for Bob The Builder’s swearathon.