TABLOID HELL – SEPTEMBER 5 2001

Plus - Under-age boozing - a warning, Kylie lives in fear of Bob The Builder and the The Mirror's Ever Vigilant 3am Girls make utter idiots of themselves ...

Britney is a fraud.

Miss so-called Spears travels the US using false papers to con her way into bars and clubs that serve drinks. According to the Daily Star (September 5), Britney, who used to love being a virgin with boyfriend Justin of top-rating indie boyband pretenders Terris until she decided to get married, has been masquerading as a 21-year-old, the legal age for consuming alcohol in many States of the US. At 19 she is two years younger than that legal age and will have to wait two years to attain it. By promoting alcohol drinking in such a flagrant fashion, Britney, an icon for many children, some who are under five and not yet able to vote, is saying it is OK to go out and drink until you are drunk out of your skull and fall over and probably start a fire that will maim and leave those in need homeless. It also encourages law breaking and will lead to windows being broken in schools and then rioting and widespread anarchy everywhere. People will be hurt.

, Can we get blind drunk, more like.”

The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Sophie Ellis-Bextor wants to record with the remaining Beatles, quoting her as saying “Paul, Ringo and the other one, that’d be great. We could call it Sophie Ellis-Bextor and The Beatles.” Oh… wait a second, they reported that yesterday, there must be reason why that stuck in the mind. Oh yes, that’s it… because the quote was made up, not true, a gag run by the Thrills section of NME. A section that every week does gags and makes things up. Tabloid Hell has heard it is going to run a story about Robbie Williams. Apparently, Robbie says he’d love to punch all the England football team then sleep with their mothers. “It’d be a bloody good laugh and I’m cracking between the sheets,” the funnyman of pop says.

Finally, an organ recital has just began in Halberstadt in Eastern Germany that won’t be completed until 2640. A performance of John Cage’s ‘As Slow As Possible’ began with just the sound of the organ’s bellows. The first music, a three-note chord, won’t be heard until January 5, 2003. The whole thing will wind down in 2640. The second two sounds won’t be heard until July 5, 2004.

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